Episode: The Cat That Laid the Golden Hairball
[The episode begins at Ren and Stimpy's House and zooms in birdhouse.]
Ren: [yawns] Think I'll watch some tube. [looks at the hairball on his foot] [growls] I'm surrounded by filthy, dirty, stinky... HAIRBALLS!! [Hairballs appear all over his living room.] Ohhh, when Stimpy gets home! Ohhh, what am I'm going to do to him? [stomps his feet and sits on the couch and watches on TV.]
Offscreen News Anchor: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this NEWS FLASH!
Ren: Oh boy! Mayhem!
Offscreen News Anchor: Top scientists have discovered that feline hairballs are excellent source of non-polluting fuel. [Rocket flies in space.] They're the perfect material for manufacturing space shuttle's heat shields!
[Beautiful Lady on TV is shown posing in a dress made of hairballs] They're a better source of material for clothing than either cotton or wool! [The audience cheers. Cut to a boy chewing on cereal.]
They have more fiber than oat bran! [Baby with one eye with pinkeye.] They even cure pinkeye! [Hairball wipes the pinkeye off. Baby blinks with both eyes. Baby gives a thumb up.]
The price of hairballs has been rising steadily and by the end of the week, they are expected to be more valuable than... GOLD! [Ren smiles with an evil grin. Fade out.]
Ren: [inside a hairball pile] They're wet, they're vile, they're stinky... [pops out the hairball] But I love them! [giggles]
Stimpy: [offscreen] Ren?
Ren: STIMPY!! Are you alright? Please, Stimpy! Do hwarf a mighty pile of golden fleece upon my grateful crown. [Stimpy shrugs. Stimpy's stomach growls and barfs the hairballs at Ren.] [giggles] At last, I can have those pectoral implants. [Fades to three pipes are smoking and screen now on the treehouse. Stimpy is in front of a conveyor belt. Stimpy licks her hair off her arm. Stimpy barfs a hairball at the machine. Ren checks the hairballs.]
Mmm-hmm? Good texture. [Ren stamps "Grade A" at the hairball and the machine moves it down the line. Ren pulls the lever and stamps "Grade A" on Stimpy's hairballs.
Stamped hairball is rolled down the conveyor belt. Bubba scrapes up the hairball with his spatula and flips it into the box. Bubba looks around. Bubba secretly puts a hairball into his pocket before putting more in the box.]
Stimpy, splat it up! [Stimpy checks her arm, but the arm is licked clean. Stimpy thinks.]
Stimpy: Hmmm.... Duh, hey Ren! [Ren throws a cinderblock at Stimpy's head.]
Ren: Shut up and lick your other arm! [Stimpy gets up, still dazed from the cinderblock and gives the "ok" sign.]
[Stimpy licks her right arm clean of hair. Stimpy barfs the hairball on the machine. In the deleted scene, Stimpy licks her whole tummy clean. Stimpy barfs a lot of hairballs onto the conveyor belt.
Bubba is flipping the hairballs into the box and barely keeping up. Stimpy barfs
tiredly and licks his body out of his hair. Stimpy barfs a hairballs at the machine. Ren stamps "Grade A" on his hairball and Ren has dollar signs in his eyes. Ren stamps "Grade A' on Stimpy's butt. Ren was shocked, Ren eyes has "No Sale".]
Hey mister, get back in the line and start hwarfing!
Stimpy: [pants] But Ren, I need fuel to make hairballs, but I'll fresh out. [shakes her butt]
Ren: [sighs] I guess you could lick off my hair. Come on, come on! Get it over with! [Stimpy licks Ren's skin off] Ughh ugghh, That makes my flesh crawl. [Bubba looks at the audience.] Stop it, you've rendered me.. hairless! Now get to hwarfing! [Stimpy tries barfing but It can't.]
Stimpy: I guess you weren't hairy enough, Ren.
Bubba: [giggles] Uncle Ren got licked for nothing. [gasps excitedly and looks at the hairy finger]
Ren: Hmmmm... Bubba.
Bubba: Yes, Uncle Ren.
Ren: Extend to Stimpy your powerfully hairy arm. [Stimpy licks Bubba's arm out of his hair. Stimpy hardly gulps and sighs] Where are you going? Your plate's still full. [Close-up to Bubba's back and it's full of hair.]
Stimpy: Whaaaa... [Stimpy torturously starts licking the hair off Bubba.]
Bubba: [giggles] That feels purdy. [Bubba's back is so shiny.]
Ren: Hey buddy, you think you're ready to hwarf some hairballs?
Stimpy: I think so.
Ren: Well then, GET TO IT, MAN! (clicks his watch) TIME IS MONEY! [Stimpy tries coughing out a hairball, but she can't.]
Bubba & Ren: Hwarf! Hwarf! Hwarf! Hwarf! Hwarf! [Stimpy tries to wheeze out a hairball, but she can't because her tongue was too long.] Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf! [Stimpy tries coughing out her hairball. But it's not enough.] Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf! Hwarf Hwarf Hwarf! [Stimpy tries tightly until... She's wheezing and coughing until her whole body deflates and she blubbered and raspberries.]
Ren: NO!! [Ren uses the plunger out of Stimpy's mouth. Stimpy's tongue falls out of her mouth.] Oh, Bubba. Come lend Stimpy a hand.
Bubba: Yes, Uncle Ren! [runs over and grabs Ren]
Ren: Squeeze that monkey, Bubba! [Bubba was squeezing Stimpy] That's it, Stimpy! Let a rip! [Stimpy was barfing a whole skeleton on his bucket.] Hmmm... Why, there's nothing in here but the useless bones and organs! Hmmm... This is serious. Well, we have to exploratory.
Stimpy: An exploratory? What's that?
Ren: Show him, Bubba. [Bubba will go inside on Stimpy's body.] Well, what do you see?
Bubba: Nothing. It's dark.
Ren: Use your flashlight, stupid.
Bubba: [use the flashlight] Well, that's better. [Bubba walks through to Stimpy's stomach and he got a eggplant and put on Ren's hand] It's a hairball gland. I think it's broke. [Palical was poofing into ashes and winds away]
Ren: [tears off] It...A cat without hairballs. he's only half a cat. Stimpy, I... [Bubba picks up Stimpy]
Stimpy: [sobs] Got, to make, hairballs. [Ren pets Stimpy.]
Ren: There there, big fellow. Just lay back and to relax.
Stimpy: But Ren, what about pectoral implants?
Ren: IT HELPED! [crying]
Bubba: When cat loses its hairball gland, it's, it's... it's over!
Ren: [sobs, excited] IT'S OVER!
Stimpy: [excited] Yeah! It's over!
[Ren, Stimpy and Bubba was dancing around during the music plays. When the music ends, they fades to black at the end of the episode.]