Stupid Sidekick Union (transcript)

Episode: Stupid Sidekick Union

[The episode begins at the Ren & Stimpy Show studio. Stimpy is having coffee and canned laughter is heard in the background.]

Ren: STIIIIIMPY! STIMPY! You've been using my Robert Goulet party wig as a coffee filter again, haven't you?!

[Ren has on a black wig with a pile of coffee grounds on top of it. The audience laughs.]

Stimpy: Duhhh, sure thing, Ren!

[Stimpy eats a coffee, Ren was about to slap Stimpy. Then the phone was ringing and Ren calls at the phone.]

Ren: Hello. Ah, it's for you, steupid.

Stimpy: Oh Joyyy!

Ren: Uh uh uh uh! You'll pass the phoney around here.

Stimpy: I do.

Ren: That's right and don't you forget it.

[Stimpy was handed a dollar to Ren. Stimpy was putting at the phone on his head.]

Stimpy: Duhhh, hello!

[The phone was Talk-fasting voice then Stimpy was shocked and he angers put the phone on his ear and he gets tough.]

Stimpy: Come again? Uh-huh? Yeah? RIGHT! Absoutively.

Ren: Well, time's up! Let's see... where were we? Oh yeah!

[Ren was about to slap Stimpy and Stimpy slaps at Ren's hand.]

Stimpy: Not today, buddy.

[Ren will stop.]

Stimpy: I'll be doing your only striking around here. That was the union! Local 6 and seven to eighths and we're on a walkout.

Ren: Organize ignorance, eh?

[Stimpy walks off.]

Ren: Where are we going? I am not done written it.

[Stimpy walks to the locker.]

Ren: Quit again, are ya? What are ya gonna do? Go work for Hanna Barbera?

[Stimpy opens the locker.]

Ren: That's okay, buddy. I forgive ya. You can come back to work now.

Stimpy: You can stick it! I'm on strike!

[Stimpy put his hat on and see the front side sign "Strike" and the back side sign "Ren Stinks!",  Ren was confused.]

Stimpy: And I'm not coming back, see? Till" you sign this contract!

[Stimpy gives a contract to Ren. Stimpy walks off.]

Ren: "Mr. Hoek, you the foulness smacker. Must have promission to Mr. Cat. Smacky. Before the act of smacking COMMANDSESS"? WHAT?!? "My weekly bathroom primprages"?

Stimpy: That's right and STOP CRYING! You're smoothing the crayon.

Ren: The next thing I know, you wanna be paid! You want me to sign it?

[Ren will rip the contract into a million pieces and throws up in the air.]

Ren: There, all signed! Oh, and before you go... that's studio proprerty!

[Ren pulls out of Stimpy's nose.]

Ren: Don't let the door touches your butt!

[Ren slams the door at Stimpy's butt. Cuts to Mail. Mail door opens, Ren's eyes was showing.]

Ren: You'll be back!

[Mail door closed and then Mail door opens again, Ren's mouth was showing.]

Ren: You owe your own place before ya know!

[Mail door closed. Fades to Ren was watching at Stimpy was having a front sign "Strike" and a back sign "Ren Unfair" and Stimpy raspberries at Ren and Ren closes the windowshade and walks to the phone and numbers it.]

Ren: Hello, is that a scab sidekick union? Yeah, since I was a writing right over. Someone with experience. [rubs his hands] Well, that's that.

[Ren heard the doorbell sound effect and he stops at the door and he opens to see Tex. Ren was upset.]

Tex: Howdy, Sheriff! [spits his head]

[Tex was waving his hand at Ren.]

Tex: Pretty boy, ay?

[Stimpy throws a brick on Tex's head.]

Stimpy: [offscreen] Scaaaab!

[Tex has a wood has the shape on his head.]

Tex: Got a wood on my head.

Ren: Hey, you're not a union, are ya?

Tex: [spits] Heck no, boy! I ain't no rangy! Did I tell ya about my wood head?

Ren: Well, your steupid eediot enough.

Tex: Enough bothering, let's get cominace to sidekicking! I'm going to up there and brought some coveries.

[Ren slams the door and the Show called "The Ren & Tex Show". Tex was sitting on the wood and put a marshmallow on the roasted fire.]

Ren: Hey, what's the big idea starting a campfire in my living room!

Tex: FIRE!! It was a chief boys right the school down against Sheriff!

Ren: Back off!

[The audience laughs offscreen.]

Ren: Now listen, I don't think tha-

[Tex put his hand and Ren's mouth.]

Tex: Shhhh!

[Tex sees the floor and pop out the flag on his butt.]

Tex: STAMPEDE!!!

Ren: Get off, Texas! This ain't no western. I ain't no sheriff and they're ain't no stampe-

[All the cows are running over Ren. Tex shows the horseshoes on Ren's butt.]

Tex: What luck? This sheriff got no bread!

[The audience laughs offscreen. Tex puts the A stamp on his fire, Tex blows out the fire and Tex streams the A stamp on Ren's butt and Ren screams painly. The audience laughs offscreen. Fades to Stimpy has a sign "Unfair to Idiots".]

Stimpy: Awaken, brothers of stupidity join the struggle of the ignorant.

[Ren throws Tex out of the stage.]

Tex: Got a wood in my head.

Stimpy: Well then, get some signs of your bricks, brother.

Ren: Scab union, I need another replacement. No, send it all over. I'll pick my own scabs from now on.

[Ren has A stamp on his butt and looks at the "Sidekick Casting Call Scabs Only!!!" sign.

[Tex has a brick sign said "Idiot Strike" and Stimpy was still on strike.]

Stimpy: Divided will standed, united we sit! Hey hey, ho ho, Ol' Ren Hoek has got to go!

[Idiot friend will go on a Sidekick Casting Call.]

Stimpy: [offscreen] Hey hey, ho ho, Ol' Ren Hoek has got to go!

[Tex throws the brick at Idiot friend. Other idiot friends will go to Sidekick Casting Call.]

Stimpy: [offscreen] Scaaaab!

Ren: Can't you read?

[Ren points the sign "Wieners need not apply" Wieners sees the sign and he felt sad and he hops away.]

Ren: Alright, next!

Polly: I'm Polly the Polyp and I'm benign!

Ren: [offscreen] Yeah, yeah, great kid, Next!

Barney Rubble Expy: Heh heh heh, heh heh heh...

Ren: [offscreen] Been done, Next!

Hillbilly: But I really want to di-rect.

[Ren presses the buzzer button.]

Ren: Next!

[Baboon runs to Sidekick Casting call and stops at Ren.]

Ren: [giggles nervously, gulps] Eh... You uh, have any showbiz experience?

[Baboon has a jack in a box it says "S" on it and put the skeleton hand on the cranker.]

Ren: I'm sorry, I love to get in a job but you have to fit into this costume.

[Baboon grabs Stimpy's costume and tears to costume and he puts on.]

Ren: [giggles] You are a perfect fit, you got the job.

[Baboon smiles at Ren. The show is called "The Ren & Baboon Show". Skeleton and the blood was on his sofa.]

Ren: [scared] Who left the beef carcasses on my sofa? [gulps] This really makes me mad.

[The audience laughs offscreen.]

Ren: Hey, baboon?

[Baboon comes up and stops at Ren.]

Ren: You've really made me angry this time.

[Baboon was growling by madness.]

Ren: I'm gonna have to hit ya. You... steupid..

[Ren slaps on Baboon's nose and Baboon was getting furious and he growls ferocious. Cuts to Studio A, Baboon was attacking and scratching at Ren offscreen.]

Ren: [offscreen] Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! OH! OW!!!

[Ren was injured. He pressed the button for another sidekick.]

Ren: Next...

[Thespian comes in.]

Ren: What's your story?

Thespian: I am a worm class, Thespian! Oh for musses of fire will be sent to the frightest heaven of a nation.

Ren: So... can you do Stimpy?

Thesipian: I have performed Stimpy for the queen!

Ren: Well, you're the last affracate. So, you're hired, Dimbag.

Stimpy: And then he doesn't private, we're ask for a really super nicely.

Officeman: Hungins to good for him!

Director: [offscreen] Here in 3... 2...

Ren: Boy, I'm sure am thirsty.

[Thesipian will hold the water at Ren.]

Thesipian: Duhhh, here is a spoiled oil milk master, Hoek.

Ren: NO, you EEDIOT!

[Ren slaps his glass off.]

Ren: You don't tell me what it is! I'm supposed to drink it and warth! Ya blew it again, moron!

Thesipian: I am an actor!

Ren: Well, there's just no place for actors in television! So beat it, shakespare!

Thesipian: Philistine dog.

[Thesipian pulls off of Stimpy's nose and walks off.]

Ren: Alright, EVERYBODY OUT!

[Directors goes out of Studio A.]

Ren: I don't need any sidekicks! I'll do the show myself! I am the star! 

[Ren looks at Stimpy as a women clapping his hands.]

Stimpy: [high voice] Oh, Mr. hoek! I'm your biggest fan!

Ren: Oh yeah?

Stimpy: [normal voice] They are sent your Ahem! [high voice] They are sent your husband but I said no, he was never was been and always will be. So how about the autograph?

Ren: Well, since you put it that way...

[Ren shocked at Contract scribbling it up. Ren was looking at Stimpy dress as a women. Ren smiles grinly.]

Ren: Sure, I'll sign your book.

[Ren writes "George Washington" on the contract.]

Ren: Here ya go.... [chuckles] Little girl.

Stimpy: [gasps, high voice] Thank you, Mr. Hoek!

[Stimpy runs off and normal laughs without his hair and puts hair on the ground.]

Ren: Loser.

[Cuts to Daily Vilify Magazine "First President Endurses Union Contract Death Rumors False". Cuts to "Stupid sidekicks back to work. Biggest concessions ever". Fades to Studio A.]

Ren: [offscreen] Stimpy!!

[The audience laughs offscreen.]

Ren: Stimpy! You've been shiny shoes with my dinosaur autograph to bacon, haven't you!?

[Ren has a hair with coffee was watering. The audience laughs offscreen.]

Stimpy: Yeah? So, What are you gonna do?

[Ren was about to punch Stimpy.]

Stimpy: Ahem! Ren?

[Stimpy was holding a contract.]

Ren: [sighs] May I please smack you, Mr. Stimpy, sir?

Stimpy: Yes, you may.

[Ren will taking a dollar to Stimpy and he slaps at Stimpy. The audience laughs offscreen.]

Ren: May I slap you silly, Mr. Stimpy!?

[Stimpy was holding the overtime paper.]

Stimpy: It's overtime, baby.

[Ren smacks Stimpy again.]

Stimpy: Triple time.

[Ren will taking a dollar to Stimpy and he smacks Stimpy again. The audience laughs offscreen.]

Stimpy: Gold and triple overtime.

[Ren smacks Stimpy again and the whole money was appearing on the background. The audience was laughing offscreen.]

Stimpy: Double triple gold overy eye.

[The iris was closing completely and fades The Ren & Stimpy Show Logo has replaced The Stimpy & Ren Show and the few seconds, the TV screen turns off at the end of the episode.]