Stimpy: Oh joy! Look at this fan mail!
Ren: Mmm-hmm.
Stimpy: Where to start? where to start? Yes! Look Ren, one's for me!
Ren: And here's one. for you too.
Stimpy: Wow! another one for me!
Ren: (almost annoyed) Another one for you.
Stimpy: me, me, me.
Ren: (annoyed) For you, you, YOU!
Stimpy: me, me, me.
Ren: (furiously) YOU, YOU, YOU!
Both: me, me, YOU, YOU, me, YOU, me, YOU, me, YOU!
Stimpy: And the last one's for: me! Oh boy! I sure love reading fan mail Ren. Don't you?
Ren: (sadly) Oh yeah, that's great. Great for you! Yeah sure! Everybody loves you! People always love the stupid one! But not everyone loves the jerk! Everybody hates me! (crying)
Stimpy: (concerned) Now Ren, Nobody hates you.
Ren: Oh, COME ON! LET'S FACE THE TRUTH! YOU'VE BEEN CARING ABOUT THEM I KNOW! I know that it's you they love. but I need love too! I just wanna be loved and important like you! Is that so wrong?
(Ren crying)
Stimpy: Oh my. (He is sad until he has an idea) I know how you can be important Ren!
Ren: Yeah sure.
Stimpy: I know how you can be really important.
Ren: Really important? How?
Stimpy: You can be the President! of my fan club!
Ren: President? Wow. (dreaming) President.
(Ren gets angry after a phone call in the dream)
Ren ( In the dream): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH?! (presses on a button that says "the button") ahahahahehehehhuhuhhahaha~!
Ren: hieeee. I'll do it!
Stimpy: Well, Mr. President. Ready for your first day in office?
Ren: Oh yeah.
Stimpy: Okay then. All you do is answer the fan mail pile and then you put it right in here-
Ren: (interupts Stimpy) Hey, you're talking to the President.
Stimpy: Yes Sir. Carry on then.
Ren: (humming)
Girl #1: Dear Stimpy, My name is Sammy. I am eight years old and in the third grade.
Ren: Aww, just cuute.
Girl#1: I like you on TV. You're my favorite TV puppet. I know all the words to your show. I want to be just like you when i grow up. From Sam.
Ren: Hmm, Dear Sam, Thank you for the letter. I'm sure if you watch my show enough, you'll turn out just like me. Your Friend, Stimpy. Ah~.
Girl #2: Dear Stimpy, I love you. You are funny. You are the funniest in the whole world. And you're the nicest too. You are nice to everybody. Even that ugly thing that yells at you. What is he anyway, a mosquito?
Ren: (freaked out with steam coming from his head) Whhhaaa~?
Girl #2: Your biggest fan, Cindy.
Ren: (angry) Oh, you're asking for it. (With an evil smile) Dear Cindy, There's no such thing as me. I'm just a cartoon, you eediot. I bet you even believe in the Tooth Beaver. Love, Stimpy. Hey, this job's easy.
Boy #1: Dear Stimpy, I have a...secret. I know i can tell you because you are nice. I will not tell anybody. I'm afraid to tell my friends because they'll laugh.
Ren: Ohhhh.
Boy #1: I know you will never laugh at me.
Ren: Nmm-hmm.
Boy #1: So...here's my secret. Every night, I wet the bed.
Ren: Ahh~! (gets embarrassed of the note and moves the note up, then looks down)
Boy #1: I can't help it! Please tell me what to do! Your friend, Johnny.
Ren: Dear Johnny, You make me SICK! You probably wet the bed on purpose. (zooms out to Stimpy, pointing to Ren) I am reading letters to everybody at your school warning them never to sleep over with you. Your friend-
Stimpy: (interupts Ren for being mean to Johnny) REEENNN~! For shame! Wetting the bed is nothing to ashamed of. Lots of kids do it. hmm! You and I still do it. (Ren gasps, covers Stimpy's mouth and looks at the viewers.)
Ren: Shhhh! (looks at his hands, then viewers, hands, and then Stimpy) You're right Stimpy. Little Johnny needed help...and I laughted at him. I don't deserve to live. Here pal. (gives Stimpy a knife that says "Rubber Knife") Well, cut me! Come on man, Do us all a favor!
Stimpy: No Ren. (Throws knife, girl screaming and a pop sound) There will be no "letting the blood" today. I think you've learned your lesson.
Ren: You're right Stimpy. I promise (fart sound) to be more kind and compassionate! In my duties as President.
Stimpy: Good for you Ren~.
(Ren cracks his hands, gets a note, puts on reading glasses and holds letter in his hand)
Girl #3: Dear Stimpy, I have a boyfriend that he is always mean to me. My only friends are you and my TV. and I knew that you will never be mean to me. You are the most kind-loving guy in the whole world. I can't be always more like you. I love you, Deborah.
Ren: Dear Deborah, Your problem is clear to me. The reason your boyfriend is mean to you is probably because you're too stupid. But don't worry, maybe someday you'll be as stupid as I am. And them everyone will love you as much as the new me. Your Stupid Friend, Stimpy.
Stimpy: How it's going Ren?
Ren: Buddy, you'll be proud of your president.
Girl #4: Dear Stimpy, You are the funniest...
(Ren is nervous and hears the same people saying how good Stimpy is that Ren is sweaty and annoyed.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(it is nighttime and Stimpy is already asleep and Ren is sad)
Ren: ( disturbing) I was nice today...nice to all those insipid little monkeys....answering their stupid letters. .. My hands....dirty!...the dirt won't come off...(sniffs twice) AAAH! President... what a joke. President, President of what? His fan club... how they love him? look at him. lying there asleep. The idol of millions! he's a fool! blind, silly little fool! How easily I could end the farce with these hands, these dirty hands! And with these hands I hold the fate of millions. They think he's a god, but he's as mortal as we. I know. Just one quick twist!, and it's over. Just one. AAAHH~! It's happening again! My brain! Hot, stinging brain! AAHHAHAHAA~! AAHHAHAHAA~! AAHHAHAHAA~!
Ren: (offscreen) hehehe, hehehehe~. His stupid fan mail. oh, heheheheh~, eheheheh~. I'll fix somethin, I'll fix him. Once and for all. ahaha~.
(doorbell rings)
Mailman: Mailman. Got your mail here.
(Ren is revealed to be on a Robotic Stimpy)
Mailman: Ah, hello Mr. Cat. You're looking healthy this morning.
Ren: Shut up. duh, I don't want anymore of your filthy letters! Your Services are not welcomed here! and duhh, tell those pesky kids to stop writing me, Stimpson J. Cat, duhhh.
Mailman: Um, Whatever you say. Actually, I only have one letter today. and it's from Mr. Höek. I guess I'll just throw this one out.
Ren: GIVE ME THAT! ahahaehehe~! Letter for me, letter for me! Nothing for Stimpy! Oh no, no, no, Mr. Ren Höek! ahahehhehe~! It says!
Stimpy: (wakes up) Aaahh~, Good Morning Ren~.
Ren: Kihihihihi~! You, you and your fan mail! Mr. Fan Mail! (jumps out of robot) Everybody loves you, don't they?! Well guess what the Mailman bought you today...NOTHING! And for me, see?! Do you have forgotten?! Now it's me they love! It is I that is the most loved. I, who shall rule! OH YES! THIS IS THE PROOF! THIS IS THE PROOF THAT.YOU.ARE.FINISHED~! IS IT? IT SAYS: Dear Ren, it's me, it's me! You are my favorite TV star! Nobody, nobody but you is funny and smart as you. SEE~! ARE YOU GETTING THIS?! I AM THE BEST! (echoing) I AM KING!! Listen to this! You may learn something. I wish i could be just like you! How ABOUT THAT?! You are my favorite person in whole wide WORLD! HA! Love~, it's love~. Your pal,.... (suprised) Stimpy?
(donkey sound)
Ren: Stimpy. I'm so ashamed.
Stimpy: I meant every word.
(Ren crying)
Stimpy: There, there Ren~. There, there.
Ren: look at me. Crying like a baby. being pathetic.
Stimpy: Oh, pasha! No one will never know. You just cry your little eyes out.
(the people in the window are seen)