Stimpy: Oh joy! Look at this fan mail!
Stimpy: Where to start? where to start? Yes! Look Ren, one's for me!
Ren: And here's one. for you too.
Stimpy: Wow! another one for me!
Ren: (almost annoyed) Another one for you.
Stimpy: me, me, me.
Ren: (annoyed) For you, you, YOU!
Stimpy: me, me, me.
Ren: (furiously) YOU, YOU, YOU!
Both: me, me, YOU, YOU, me, YOU, me, YOU, me, YOU!
Stimpy: And the last one's for: me! Oh boy! I sure love reading fan mail, Ren. Don't you?
Ren: (sadly) Oh yeah, that's great. Great for you! Yeah sure! Everybody loves you! People always love the stupid one! But nobody ever loves the jerk! Everybody hates me! (crying)
Stimpy: (concerned) Now Ren, Nobody hates you.
Ren: Oh, COME ON! LET'S FACE THE TRUTH! YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING ME, I KNOW! I know that. It's you they love, but I need love too! I just wanna be loved and important like you! Is that so wrong?
Stimpy: Oh, my. (He is sad until he has an idea) I know how you can be important Ren!
Ren: Yeah sure.
Stimpy: I know how you can be really important.
Ren: Really important? How?
Stimpy: You can be the President! of my fan club!
Ren: President? Wow. (dreamily) President...
(Ren gets angry after a phone call in the dream)
Ren (In the dream): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH?! (presses on a button that says "the button" and explodes Australia) *laughs like a maniac*
Ren: (Droning dreamily) Deeeeh. I'll do it!
Stimpy: Well, Mr. President. Ready for your first day in office?
Ren: Oh yeah.
Stimpy: Okay then. All you do is answer the fan mail pile and then you put it right in here-
Ren: (interrupts Stimpy) Hey, you're talking to the President, man.
Stimpy: Yes Sir! Carry on then.
Girl #1: Dear Stimpy, My name is Sammy. I am eight years old and in the third grade.
Ren: Aww, that's cuute.
Girl#1: I like you on TV. You're my favorite TV puppet. I know all the words to your show. I want to be just like you when i grow up. From Sam.
Ren: Hmm...Dear Sam, Thank you for the letter. I'm sure if you watch my show enough, you'll turn out just like me--yeah, braindead--Your Friend, Stimpy. Ah~.
Girl #2: Dear Stimpy, I love you. You are funny. You are the funniest in the whole world. And you're the nicest too. You are nice to everybody. Even that ugly thing who yells at you. What is he anyway, a mosquito?
Ren: (freaked out with steam coming from his head) Whhhaaa~?
Girl #2: Your biggest fan, Cindy.
Ren: (angry) Oh, you're asking for it. (With an evil smile) Dear Cindy, There's no such thing as me. I'm just a cartoon, you eediot. I bet you even believe in the Tooth Beaver. Love, Stimpy. Hey, this job's easy.
Boy #1: Dear Stimpy, I have a...secret. I know i can tell you because you are nice and would not tell anybody. I'm afraid to tell my friends because they'll laugh...
Boy #1: I know you will never laugh at me.
Boy #1: So...here's my secret. Every night..I wet the bed.
Ren: Ahh~! (disgusted by the note, Ren tosses the note, then looks down at it)
Boy #1: I can't help it! Please tell me what to do! Your friend, Johnny.
Ren: Dear Johnny, You make me SICK! You probably wet the bed on purpose. (zooms out to Stimpy, pointing proudly to Ren) I am reading letters to everybody at your school warning them never to sleep over with you. Your friend-
Stimpy: (surprised, interrupts Ren for being mean to Johnny) REEENNN~! For shame! Wetting the bed is nothing to ashamed of. Lots of kids do it. hmph! You and I still do it. (Ren gasps, covers Stimpy's mouth and looks around suspiciously and then at the viewers.)
Ren: Shhhh! (looks at his hand, then viewers, hands, and then Stimpy) You're right, Stimpy. Little Johnny needed help...and I laughed at him. I don't deserve to live. Here pal. (gives Stimpy a knife that says "Rubber Knife") Go ahead, cut me! Come on man, do us all a favor!
Stimpy: Hm? Hmm... (Shrugs at audience and prepares to stab Ren). No Ren. (Throws knife, girl screaming and a pop sound) There will be no "letting the blood" today. I think you've learned your lesson.
Ren: You're right, Stimpy. I promise (fart sound) to be more kind and compassionate in my duties as President.
Stimpy: Good for you Ren~.
(Ren cracks his hands, gets a note, puts on reading glasses and holds letter in his hand)
Girl #3: Dear Stimpy, I have a boyfriend, but he is always mean to me. My only friends are you and my TV. and I know that you would never be mean to me. You are the most kindest, most "loving-est" guy in the whole world. Why can't I always be more like you. I love you, Debra.
Ren: Dear Deborah, Your problem is clear to me. The reason your boyfriend is mean to you is probably because you're too stupid. But don't worry, maybe someday you'll be as stupid as I am. And then everyone will love you as much as they do me. Your Stupid Friend, Stimpy.
Stimpy: How it's going, Ren?
Ren: Buddy, you'd be proud of your president.
Girl #4: Dear Stimpy, You are the funniest...
(Ren becomes anxious, hearing the same people saying how good Stimpy. Ren is shaking and sweaty.)
(it is nighttime and Stimpy is already asleep, but Ren is still awake, deeply disturbed)
Ren: I... I was nice today...nice to all those insipid little monkeys....answering their stupid letters. My hands....dirty!...the dirt won't come off...(sniffs twice, screaming at his tainted hands) AAAAAAH!
(Ruefully) President...what a joke. President, President of what!? His fan club...How they love him! Look at him. Lying there asleep, the idol of millions! He's a fool! Blind, silly little fool. How easily I could end the farce...with these hands, these dirty hands! And with these hands, I hold the fate of millions. They think he's a god, but he's as mortal as we. I know! Just one quick TWIST...and it's over. Just one. AAAHH! It's happening again! My brain! Hot, stinging BRAIN!! AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHH! AAAAAHHH!
Ren: (offscreen) hehehe, hehehehe~. His stupid fan mail. oh, heheheheh~, heheh~. I'll fix him, I'll take care of this letter business..once and for all. ahaha~.
Mailman: Mailman. Got some mail here!
(Ren is revealed to be in a Robotic Stimpy)
Mailman: Ah, hello Mr. Cat. You're looking healthy this morning.
Ren: Shut up. duh, I don't want anymore of your filthy letters! Your services are not welcomed here, and, duhh, tell those pesky kids to stop writing me, Stimpson J. Cat, duhhh.
Mailman: Um, Whatever you say. Actually, I only have one letter today and it's for Mr. Höek. I guess I'll just throw this one out.
Ren: GIVE ME THAT! ahahaehehe~! Letter for me, letter for me! Nothing for Stimpy! No, no, no, Mr. Ren Höek! ahehehhehe~! It says!
Stimpy: (wakes up) Aaahh~, Good Morning Ren~.
Ren: Kihihihihi~! You, you and your fan mail! Mr. Fan Club! (jumps out of robot) Everybody loves you, don't they?! Well guess what the Mailman bought you today...NOTHING! This letter's for me! See?! You they have forgotten?! Now it's me they love! It is I that is the most loved. I, who shall rule! OH YES! THIS IS THE PROOF! THIS IS THE PROOF THAT YOU...ARE...FINISHED! Listen!
This one says: Dear Ren, it's me, it's me! You are my favorite TV star! Nobody, nobody but you is funny or smart as you. SEE? ARE YOU GETTING THIS?! I AM THE BEST! (echoing) I AM KING!! Listen to this! You may learn something. I wish I could be just like you! How about THAT?! A man with some ambition. You are my favorite person in whole wide WORLD! HA! Love~, it says love~. Your pal,.... (surprised) Stimpy?
Ren: Stimpy. I'm so ashamed.
Stimpy: I meant every word.
Stimpy: There, there Ren~. There, there!
Ren: Look at me. Big, mean Ren...crying like a baby. Pretty pathetic, huh?
Stimpy: Oh, pasha! No one will never know. You just cry your little eyes out.
(The people and a horse in the window are seen looking inside the house)