Episode: Pen Pals
[The episode starts at Ren's mother's mobile home, where Ren can be seen watching television.]
Announcer: This is a special report.
Newsmen: Well, the queen was at the gala opening of Tulip Pines State Penitentiary. The lavish playpen for the legally challenged features the latest in criminal reform, like five-star dining... [prisoner is served a whole snail] ...beauty salon...
[Kowalski, one of the prisoners, is a participant in the beauty salon. A beautician works on his toenails while a hairstylist works on his hair. The resulting hairstyle offends him and cries like a baby.]
Newsmen: And for those of you who prefer privacy, our solitary confinement units, overlooking the gorgeous hills of Tulip Pines. So remember, at Tulip Pines Penitentiary, the grass is always greener on the other side of a log.
[Ren grows frustrated watching this report.]
Announcer: This has been a special report.
Ren: Wait a minute, I'm a taxpayer too! And look at this dump!
Stimpy: [walking in as a servant with a drink] But Ren, you've been living off your mother for the past 8 years.
Ren: FORGET ABOUT THAT!
[A loud knocking can be heard outside. Ren opens the door to find a police officer on their doorstep.]
Ren: (in a poor Spanish dialect) Como esta, Senor... uh, federal-e? No hablo Engles...
Police Officer: You... Ren 'Hoke'? We've been... watching you. [begins writing off tickets] Now look, you are in uh, violation of city penal code I.E.G.X.R.B.S-B. Uhh, infraction of a state law. Uh, aiding and abetting, littering. Sauntering. [Ren is now seen in a pile of violation tickets] Step away from the house. Alright, Franco, take her away!
[The police car tows away the entire house.]
Police Officer: Heh. Well, boys, have a nice day. [walks off, whistling while swinging his club nonchalantly]
Ren: Great, now where are we going to live?
Stimpy: I don't know Ren, but your mom's gonna be really mad.
[Ren growls in rage and is about to punch Stimpy, but stops. Instead, he imagines the both of them in the new prison, with Stimpy hanging from the wall-cuffs and Ren himself in a newly installed spa drinking a fruit shake. Ren screams happily and hatches a plan.]
Ren: Come on, Stimpy!
Stimpy: Duhh, where are we going, Ren?
Ren: [dramtically] To commit some crimes.
[Fade to a bank, where the two emerge from a sewer with a giant missile at hand.]
Ren: Ah, yes! With this baby, we'll be on the next bus to prison. AND THIS BANK IS OUR TICKET! Now, remember your lines.
[Ren slam-opens the door with both he and Stimpy holding the missile.]
Ren: Stick em' up! This is a heist! [The people in the bank do so.] [to Stimpy] Psst, Stimpy.
Stimpy: Uhh, oh yeah! Give us a full tank of gas! We're taking this bird to Cuba!
Officer: Step back! He's got a spud!
Ren: That's right. And I'm a good shot, too. I can take your eye out from here. Now who's first? [aims his missile at a banker] YOU! Empty your pockets!
Banker #2: Yes sir, yes sir! [throws big amounts of money out of his pockets]
Ren: Now get a good look at my face!
Stimpy: Uh, Ren.
Ren: Not now, Stimpy, I'm enjoying this. Oh, the power of it all! [points the missile to another banker] YOU!!! BEHIND THE COUNTER!!! I want you to call the COPS!!!
Banker #2: Yes! Police! There's an asthma-hound chihuahua and a big fat stupid cat and they're gonna rob the bank! Get down here, please, please!
Ren: Armed robbery. We easily get 20 years for this.
Police Officer: (from outside) You, sick twisted vermin. (holds up megaphone) Come out with your hands in the air!
Ren & Stimpy: [happy] We're going to jail!
Ren: Well, see ya around folks. No hard feelings.
[Ren & Stimpy walk out of the bank.]
Ren: First thing I'm gonna do when we get to jail is a nice bikini wax. [is soon shocked to find that he and Stimpy are surrounded by a flock of army tanks]
Police Officer: The only place you're going, is kingdom come.
Stimpy: But Ren, I thought you said we were going to jail. [Ren angrily groans and is about to punch Stimpy.]
Police Officer: Eh... fire.
[The tanks blast them both, leaving them burned. Ren then weakly hits Stimpy, causing his nose to fall out of his face. The scene fades to Ren & Stimpy in front of the new prison from a safe distance.]
Ren: Okay Stimpy, if we can't go legally, we'll break in!
Stimpy: [checks to see if nobody else is watching] How we gonna do this, Ren?
Ren: Well, for starters... [pulls out a grappling hook] WITH THIS!
[Cuts to the office of the Police Officer, who places a stuffed figure of his former pet dog, Rascal, on his desk. A picture of the real thing is seen hung on the wall in loving memory..]
Police Officer: There ya go, ya little rascal. Wasn't he a handsome devil? Shame about that, uhh, chicken bone incident. Oh well, at least he behaves much better this way. But, but, but WAIT! Have I got a surprise for you.
Ren: Alright Stimpy, FIRE!
[Stimpy shoots the hook into the cell window and, while the officer isn't looking, tears off plush Rascal's head in the process.]
Police Officer: I brought your favorite... [brings out a skeleton's arm] chew toy! Hmm. Rascal? [soon notices what happened to Rascal and lets out a blood-curdling scream] Oh, Rascal... [sobs and holds the hook with the decapitated head] Rascal. [continues sobbing] Huh? [he realizes where the hook came from. Cut to Ren and Stimpy as the rope leading to the other end straightens]
Ren: See? I'm telling ya, this plan is gonna work. But of course, I never doubted myself.
Stimpy: Joy! You're the man!
[Ren & Stimpy slide down the rope, but Stimpy slams into the wall, acting as a platform for Ren to latch onto the cell.]
Ren: Thanks pal.
[Stimpy drops down to the ground.]
[Ren finds that the Police Officer has tied the other end of the grappling hook to a cannonball, ready to retaliate with a cannon.]
Police Officer: Vengeance is mine. This one is for Rascal.
[Police Officer fires a cannonball at Ren, as an explosion occurs in the distance and Stimpy shrugs. Fade to Ren and Stimpy next to the jail's sewer line.]
Ren: Alright, I've got a better plan.
[Stimpy peers out of the toilet, checks his surroundings for any cops, then pulls himself out of the toilet.]
Stimpy: [gasps] Hey Ren, it worked! The coast is clear! You're a genius!
Ren: [gargling] Help!
[Stimpy proceeds to use a plunger and starts pulling Ren out of the toilet.]
Stimpy: All better, Ren? ...Ren?
[Ren slugs Stimpy, then gets out of the toilet all dirty.]
Ren: [sighs] I oughta...
[Ren catches on to the approaching shadow of the officer and panics.]
Ren: Jeepers! It's the fuzz! Quick, Stimpy, HIDE!
[Ren & Stimpy evacuate back into the toilet.]
Police Officer: That'll be enough sweets for you today.
[Kowalski walks by the cells holding a lollipop, and then clutches onto his stomach in pain before using the toilet.]
Police Officer: Awww, the big bad boy's stomach's upset. It could be a... (sniffs) stinky night. [slams the cell]
[Kowalski looks in the toilet.]
Ren: [quietly] Keep quiet, and maybe he'll go away..
[Kowalski finds both Ren and Stimpy inside, both shaped in the form of poop. Kowalski flushes the toliet, sending the two back where they came in. Fade to the next scene, where the two approach the prison with a giant catapult.]
Ren: [calling out from the megaphone] Alright, this is your last chance! You gonna arrest us, or what?
Police Officer: Your mama.
Ren: [growls] FIRE!!!
[Stimpy, with the catapult at hand, launches a flaming boulder at the prison, busting a hole through the front door, much to the officer's shock. Kowalski steps out from the hole.]
Kawolski: Momma! [giggles] Momma! Momma! [giggles and runs off]
Police Officer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!
[Cut to a shot of the "All News Journal." The main headline reads "Slasher Escapes!" and its sub-headline reads "Whereabouts unknown." A corner box with a photo of the officer shrugging is seen with the sub-headline "Officer says, 'It could be worse.'" Cut to Ren, cackling maniacally.]
[Stimpy launches another flaming boulder into the right door. Tons of prisoners emerge from the hole and escape the jail. The Police Officer screams dramatically. Cut to a shot of the "Omigosh" newspaper, with a headline that reads "1000 fugitives on the loose!!". A corner box with a photo of the officer, once again, shrugging is seen with the sub-headline "Officer says, 'It could be worse.'"
Ren: [in a crazed manner] Fire.
[Stimpy fires yet another flaming boulder. The Police Officer screams and waves goodbye as it hits him, effectively destroying the entire jail with it.]
Ren: Well, give up?
[Police Officer waves a white flag, causing Ren & Stimpy to both react gleefully.]
[Cut to a shot of the "Newest Dirt" newspaper with the headline "Ren & Stimpy sentenced to 13 life terms." A corner box with a photo of the officer with a cocky look on his face is seen with the sub-headline "Officer says, 'I always get my man!'" Scene fades to jail station.]
Ren: Man, look at all this room.
Stimpy: It's lovelier than I ever imagined.
Ren: The barbells will go here, the law library over there, track-lighting up here, holy pictures right here. Of course, the colors are all wrong, but...
Police Officer: [walks into the scene] Now listen, boys. Have I got a new roommate, uh, for you.
Ren: That's no problem. We've got plenty of...
[Ren & Stimpy are shocked to see what's coming to their cell.]
[A giant lummox walks into the cell a la a forklift, squeezing the two right in with him.]
Police Officer: Uhh, have uh, a nice day. [walks off and whistles, swinging his club nonchalantly again.]
Stimpy: Looks like another... happy ending, Ren.
[Double iris outs on the two as the episode ends.]