Episode: Onward & Upward
WARNING: May contain profanity, sexual themes, and other innuendos. Viewer discretion is advised.
Script[]
(After the opening credits, the episode fades in to a hobo sleeping in an alleyway. Upon zooming in, the hobo snores, and Ren peeks out of his mouth and looks around, before going back in. The hobo resumes snoring as we fade to Ren and Stimpy inside the mouth. A few drops of saliva fall on Ren’s head. The camera zooms in while this happens, and a piano is shown producing notes when the droplets fall on Ren’s head. The camera zooms out back to the previous shot)
Ren: What a dump.
(Another droplet falls on him. A bug then crawls across the screen before Ren smacks it with a flyswatter. Another droplet falls on Ren’s head, and then Stimpy starts to rub Ren’s shoulder. Ren notices and pushes Stimpy’s hand away)
Ren: I’m sorry, Stimpy, but I am just too damn tired tonight. (Stretches) I just gotta get some sleep! (Lays down) Pucker up, okay? (Falls asleep. Stimpy looks at the audience. He then tries to get Ren’s attention)
Stimpy: But Ren…(Ren opens his eyes and turns his head towards Stimpy)
Ren: What is it NOW, Stimpy?!
Stimpy: I have needs! (Puckers up his lips)
Ren: Oh! (Points at Stimpy) I don’t give a rat’s ass about your needs! (He puts his finger down, then looks at Stimpy) Oh, Stimpy! (Stimpy looks at Ren. Ren then looks at him seductively) Close your eyes and pooker up! (He gets a devilish look on his face)
Stimpy: (Lighty gasps) Joy.
(Stimpy puckers up his lips and is about to kiss Ren. Ren laughs deviously as he grabs a rat from under the tongue)
Ren: Oh, it's a good, a good, Stimpy, oh yes, it’s so good. Look, look, (shows the rat’s ass) rat’s ass. (Points the rat towards Stimpy) Look is… (He shoves the rat’s butt on Stimpy’s lips, which he kisses. Ren then pulls the rat off, and Stimpy now has poop on his lips. Ren drops the rat back into the stomach, and Stimpy lays down, satisfied)
Stimpy: Aaaahhh…hehh….(Stimpy falls asleep. A poop-colored heart appears above him, then disappears. Ren nods his head “no”)
Ren: You eediot. (Covers his face with his hands) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks here in this dump! But tonight I will! (Lays down and falls asleep) Yes.
(Cut to the hobo who’s still snoring. We then see the inside of the mouth again as his nose holes are moving in sync with the snores. Ren’s hair blows from the nose holes, and he then wakes up from the noise. He gets up and looks at the audience as he continues to get blown by the air. He rips a couple pieces of Stimpy’s hair and puts them in his ear, diminishing the noise. Ren then goes back to sleep. The hobo’s uvula starts to jiggle and stretch towards Ren. It gets closer and closer until it starts to wiggle in Ren’s butt. It does this for a bit until Ren opens his eyes and gets progressively more upset until he snaps and slaps Stimpy. He pulls Stimpy close to his face)
Ren: What did I just tell you?! Who is the pitcher, who is the catcher?
Stimpy: You’re the pitcher, I’m the catcher! You’re the pitcher, I’m the catcher! (Turns around) See?
(He points to a chalkboard on the wall, which says nothing but “You’re the pitcher, I’m the catcher” repeatedly. Cut back to Ren and Stimpy, where the uvula falls on Ren’s head. He then looks at Stimpy’s crotch, which Stimpy is covering. Ren looks up to the uvula and gets angry, and he grabs the uvula and ties it up before launching it back up. We then cut to the hobo’s stomach, which includes various stuff, including the rat from earlier. Scent from the beer can rises up while Ren and Stimpy are sleeping. When it reaches them, it turns into a burp, causing a burst of wind that strips both of their hair off. Stimpy looks over to Ren, who’s trembling. Yet another saliva drop falls on Ren, causing him to snap)
Ren: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I’VE HAD IT LIVING LIKE THIS! I CAN’T STAND BEING POOR! (Pulls Stimpy towards him again) I don’t DESERVE IT! (Points his finger upwards) I should be living uptown, living the high life! Oh, if only we had money! (Stimpy thinks for a bit, before Ren gets an idea and looks over to Stimpy. He then pushes his finger on his nose) Hey, eediot…you always have some of those squirrels away, don’t you?
Stimpy: Yes. (Moves Ren’s finger and pushes it away) Uh-uh-uh…(Pushes Ren away) look away now! (Whispers to the audience) It’s in my secret spot. (He starts digging in his butt. Ren tries to look, but Stimpy moves back)
Ren: What’s so secret about that spot?
(Stimpy continues digging until he finally gets out a squirrel, which he squirts 5 coins out of. He then shows the coins to Ren)
Ren: Five bucks! (Grabs the coins and starts playing with it) Now we can move up town and live the high life! (He giggles in delight)
Stimpy: Did I do good, Ren?
Ren: Yes, you did good, Stimpy.
(Stimpy looks glad until Ren punches him in the face, his nose falling off in the process. Ren chuckles some more as we see Stimpy dizzy and with a human nose. The screen fades out, and then fades back in to outside the hobo, where Ren puts a “VACANCY” sign on the zipper.)
Ren: Good riddance to this dump. Only one thing left to do. (He grabs one of the hobo’s testicles and puffs it up a bit before kicking it. Ren’s about to walk off when Stimpy stops him)
Stimpy: Hey, hey, hey. Whatcha do that for, Ren?
Ren: It’s an ancient custom. You always give your house a goodbye kick in its ballsack when you move. Everybody knows that. (He walks off, Stimpy scoffs)
Stimpy: Pfft, oh, I knew that.
(The testicle makes a beeping sound. Stimpy then kicks it, and we cut to the hobo opens his eyes in pain and tears up. The screen fades to black again. The screen fades in to Ren and Stimpy looking at something shining)
Ren: Our new house! We’re living on the high hog now! (Walks off. Stimpy clears his throat. Ren is about to open the door when he turns around to face Stimpy. Stimpy gestures Ren to open the door)
Stimpy: May I? (Ren looks at him lovingly) Okay. [Might be Ren saying this]
(Ren hops into Stimpy’s arms, then Stimpy uses his butt to open the door and get inside. Upon coming in, they look around in complete awe. The door closes, and the house is revealed to be a vase in a spitoon. One guy at the bar takes a bite of tobacco and starts chewing. He then spits it into the vase as Ren walks out the door with the chewed tobacco on his head)
Ren: Stimpy, a house with a doorbell!
Stimpy: (Comes out as well, also with chewed tobacco on his head) We’ve really made it, Ren!
(Ren nods as the screen fades to black. The screen then fades to them at a dinner table, wearing fancy suits. Stimpy stuffs a napkin in his tuxedo and looks at the soup while rubbing his hands. Ren is about to smoke his cigarette when he notices that Stimpy is about to put his hands in the soup. Stimpy looks at his hands, which are filthy. Ren looks at him funny as Stimpy gets an idea and starts rubbing his hands on his armpits. Ren looks at the audience while he does this. After Stimpy cleans his hands off, he starts looking for a spoon and grabs one. Trembling, he scoops up a bit of soup and is about to put it in his mouth when Ren smacks his hand with a knife, causing Stimpy to scream)
Stimpy: (While shaking his hand) Ow, ow, ow, ow!
(Ren gets angry as the spoon appears on Stimpy’s head. Ren sees this, and points to it)
Ren: Does that look like a soup spoon to you?! (Cut to a closeup of the spoon, which sinks into Stimpy’s head) You eediot, we are upper-class piples now, not bourgeoisie. Oh, thank birds above no one was here to witness your filthy ignorance. (His eyes jut out slightly while he and Stimpy stare at each other) Now that we live the high life, we have to be refined. (The tip of his cigarette goes through Stimpy’s nose and into his eye) We have to carry ourselves like gentlemen.
(Stimpy starts to think as the background changes. His head starts to make static noises, which causes him to hit his head a few times. He thinks for some more, and eventually the spoon from earlier pops out once he’s done, before quickly descending back in. Stimpy turns back to Ren as pieces of the spoon fall out of his nose)
Stimpy: You mean we should do up our flies from now on? (Ren looks at the screen before looking back at Stimpy, looking more excited. He places his cigarette on the ground before smacking it on Stimpy’s chest)
Ren: Now you’re thinking like a gentleman!
(Stimpy moves his head upwards while Ren smokes on his cigarette. Ren soon does the same as they both stand up and zip each other's flies. While standing, Stimpy grabs a small brush and dusts Ren’s zipper, before placing the brush back. The two sit back down)
Ren: Now Stimpy, there is a correct utensil for each different food stuff. You must use the correct implement. (Stimpy looks at the row of utensils until he grabs a random spoon) Go ahead. (Stimpy gets excited as he takes a scoop of soup and is about to drink it, when Ren interrupts him) Ahem! (Stimpy points out his pinky. Ren gestures him to eat, and Stimpy begins slurping the soup. A green bit gets stuck on his lips, but he sucks that in as well. Stimpy smiles, but the soup starts to drain through his teeth. Stimpy notices this and frowns)
Stimpy: Ren, the soup’s too thin!
(The green ball from earlier rolls across his teeth and falls back into the soup. Ren then rings the bell, alerting one of the guys at the bar. He walks over to the vase and spits out a bunch of snot into the vase, where it falls into the bowl and hits Stimpy. Stimpy gets out a fork and we see the soup bubbling. Stimpy stirs it up and eats the entire bowl. He uses the table cloth to wipe his mouth off)
Ren: (Exhales) Finally we live the high life!
Stimpy: (Wipes his mouth off) What’s the next course, Ren? (Ren moves his eyebrows up and down before ringing the bell again. The guy from earlier comes back and squirts more snot into the vase. Cut to Ren and Stimpy, as there’s a big glob of snot in between them)
Ren: It’s succulent fishing lord booger. How delicate.
(Stimpy carefully grabs his fork and jiggles the glob a couple times)
Stimpy: And such an elastic enticingly slimy texture. (He shoves the glob in his mouth)
Ren: How refined.
(Stimpy starts to choke on the glob. Ren gets something from his suit, which is shown to be a red glove. He puts it on, and grabs a pair of scissors, where he cuts off the guy’s snot, in which Stimpy swallows it. He smiles, and a bubble comes out before being pushed back in. He smiles again before the screen fades out again. Fade it back to Ren and Stimpy at the dinner table)
Ren: What kind of potatoes should we have, Stimpeton?
Stimpy: (Pats the napkin on his cheek) Well, Renwick, I hear the upper class likes their potatoes whipped.
Ren: Always thinking of me, aren’t you, Stimpy?
(Ren looks to the other side and pulls out a whip. He then starts whipping the potatoes, who are cowering in fear. The potatoes’ skin peels off, making them naked. They sadly walk over to their plates. When they arrive, they fall down and melt into mashed potatoes)
Stimpy: Renwick, be a good chap and pass the gravy. (Ren looks down and sees that there’s no gravy)
Ren: (Snaps his fingers) Oh, I forgot to make the gravy.
(He rings the bell again. This time, another guy comes up and pukes inside the case. The puke gets inside a pitcher Ren is holding, and Ren pours it on Stimpy’s plate. Ren gets out a monocle, cleans it up a bit, and places it in his right eye. He smokes his cigarette and blows a smoke ring. Stimpy tries to do the same thing he did, but he puts the monocle in his nose instead. Ren flings his cigarette at Stimpy, causing him to drop the monocle. Ren then takes a bite of his potatoes)
Ren: (While chewing) What do you think is the difference…between boogers and goobers Stimpeton? (Stimpy thinks for a moment)
Stimpy: A stooge question, Renwick. Why don’t we ask the greatest genius in the world?
Ren: Who’s that?
Stimpy: Dr. Stupid, who else?
(Ren and Stimpy look at the screen, with Ren holding a remote. He presses it, causing the channel to switch to Dr. Stupid, who has boogers and goobers on his desk)
Dr. Stupid (Stimpy): Today’s question is: “What’s the difference between boogers and goobers? (A big guy carries a fridge behind and sets it down. Dr. Stupid goes to the fridge and demonstrates by moving the letters around) Actually, the difference is merely superficial. (Cut back to Dr. Stupid at the table) These are just two different words that both represent wet things. And more specifically, wet things that come from inside your head.
Voice (Not shown): Thank you, Dr. Stupid. (Wet stuff comes out of his ear. Cut back to Ren and Stimpy)
Ren: Aheh, aheh, wet things that come from your…hoels. (Stimpy gets out a notepad and writes down “hoels” on it. We then cut to a painting of Ren and Stimpy with holes with stuff oozing out of them. The screen fades to black, then we fade in to them in the bathroom. Ren’s in the tub while Stimpy wipes himself with a towel, dancing to a beat. Stimpy puts his towel up as Ren squirts out some shampoo. Stimpy screams when Ren puts it on his head, and slaps it off)
Stimpy: Don’t put those horrible chemicals in your hair, Ren.
Ren: Why?
Stimpy: (Digs for something from under the tub. It’s revealed to be “Farmer Hanky”) Here! (Closeup of the can) Use all natural Farmer Hanky’s shampoo.
Ren: (Reaches his hand out) I’d like to try it.
(Stimpy slaps his hand. He then presses the shampoo and snot comes out of it, hitting Ren in the head. Stimpy scrubs it in Ren’s hair, and slaps him a few times. He then starts to sway him back and forth as the screen fades to black. Fade in to the bedroom. Stimpy lifts up the covers, and a droplet of [what appears to be spit] falls on the bed. Stimpy notices this and gets confused, he then realizes and looks over to Ren)
Stimpy: Hey, Ren! These bed sheets come with a wet spot already!
Ren: (Takes his skin off) We’re living the high life now, buddy! (Stimpy’s jaw drops as he looks back at the wet spot. He then looks back lovingly as he rubs his stomach)
Stimpy: Say, Ren. Do you think we could…(Gives up) Oh, poo poo. (Turns away) You’re probably too tired again.
Ren: (Peeking from behind the racket) Oh, Stiiiimpy! (Stimpy turns back and gets struck with awe as his nose's veins start to bulge. We then see Ren in a baseball outfit. Stimpy puts his nose down as he looks at Ren lovingly. He then imagines Ren as a handsome guy) Are you ready for a speed ball, my little blumpkin pumpkin?
(Stimpy, in a catcher outfit, turns around so that we can see the glove on his butt. He shakes it as Ren shoots the ball at Stimpy’s rear, causing him to fly to the end of the bed. Ren joins him as they start having sex under the bed sheets as it fades to black. Fade in to one of the guys at the bar, who spits into the vase, but this time notices Ren and Stimpy inside)
Man: Oh, my God! The spitoon’s filled with vermin! (Sucks his spit back in and swallows. Cut to another guy, who appears to be sleeping in his own puke)
Man 2: That’s disgusting! (He sucks the puke back into his head. Another guy sucks in his snot, and a chicken sucks in its eggs. A guy with 1 eye takes the other eye in his glass and sucks it into where his other eye would’ve been. The bartender notices the chaos)
Bartender (Juahini): (While a glass breaks) Holy crap! (Looks around) I’m gonna lose all my BUSINESS! (Cut to everyone in the spittoon terrified and screaming at Ren and Stimpy, who’s still in the vase) I better do something fast! (He jumps over and looks at Ren and Stimpy with a cold look. Ren and Stimpy descend into the vase, but the bartender grabs the vase) Get out of my FUCKING bar you vermin sons of bitches! (He dumps them outside, and he and the others start spitting at them)
Ren & Stimpy: (While running and getting hit by spitballs) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow! Ow!
(The two run back to the hobo, and they both get back inside his mouth. We zoom in to the hobo’s crotch, where Ren pokes out from in his pants. He unzips the zipper and takes the vacant sign off. He zips it back up and goes back in. The screen fades to black, and the episode ends)