Nurse Stimpy (transcript)

Episode: Nurse Stimpy

{"Russian Dance" from Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker" plays with the title screen}
{Open to a shot of glittering sunlight streaming through a window. Beethoven's "The Pastoral Symphony" plays. The camera pans over to Stimpy asleep in bed and bathed in the sunlight. The alarm clock on the bedside table rings. Stimpy wakes up with a big smile on his face}
Stimpy: Oh joy of joys! Another beeyootiful day! Smell that fresh air! {He sniffs the air and stretches} It's so invigorating! Yes sir, I sure feel great today! {He flexes his arms and pounds on his chest} Fit as a fiddle! Don't you, Ren? Ren?
{The camera pans to the left to show Ren under the covers. Stimpy looks at him curiously, then literally peels the blanket off him. Ren looks pale and sickly, and has a few spots on the side of his face}
Stimpy: {concerned} Ren, you don't look so good. {He lifts up Ren's eyelid. A close up of the yellow, bloodshot eye is shown} Oh my! {A close up of Ren's mouth is shown. His lips are cracked and his tongue, now green with brown spots on it, hangs out.} Oh dear! {A close up of Ren's nose is shown, dripping mucus.} Oh fudge!
{Parts of the skin on Ren's nose chip off. Stimpy nervously bites his nails}
Stimpy: Speak to me, Ren! {Tears brim in his eyes} You're making me sad! {Inside of his head, his eyes show Ren's sickly face and fill up with tears. He fights the urge to cry} My friend! {His face suddenly lights up and he snaps his fingers} Don't worry, old buddy! I'll take care of ya!
{Stimpy dashes offscreen, leaving a cloud of dust behind him. He returns dressed in a white nurse's hat and skirt, pink bloomers and white shoes. A nametag that reads "Nurse Stimpy" is pinned to his chest. He salutes}
Stimpy: Nurse Stimpy to the rescue! I, Nurse Stimpy, do solemnly swear by the Sacred Bedpan to fix the patient and ease his wretched suffering, even until all hope is gone!
{Ren sweats profusely and looks nervous. The scene fades to a shot of an overhead lamp. The camera pans down to show Ren from behind, dressed in a hospital gown and sitting on an examination table}
Stimpy: Now just relax, and don't worry about a thing! I'm just going to perform a few tests.
{Stimpy takes off his nose and lays it on the table. He unzips the nose, which now has a red cross on it, like a bag and pulls out a pair of rubber gloves. He puts them on and flexes his fingers. Stimpy reaches into the nose again and pulls out a saw. He tosses it aside and pulls out a strange-looking tool. Ren leans back in apprehension. Stimpy pulls out another tool that has a corkscrew attached, which freaks Ren out even more. Stimpy twists his nose back on his face like a light bulb and holds up a fudge popsicle. He eats the popsicle, leaving the stick behind}
Stimpy: Now open wide, Ren.
{Ren opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue. Stimpy uses the stick as a tongue depressor to examine Ren's mouth}
Stimpy: Hmm... {He stretches Ren's mouth down for a better look} Mm-hmm... Mm-mm. {He looks worried} Heavens! I don't like the looks of that! {A close-up of Ren’s face is shown} Now, let's have a look at those glands. Say "Aah!"
Ren: Aah!
{Ren's glands, both wearing top hats, pop out of his mouth. Stimpy examines them with an auriscope and recoils}
Stimpy: Oh my gracious! It's worse than I thought!
{The glands fly back into Ren's mouth with enough force to make him fall backwards into the wall. Cracks appear on the wall from where his head hit it. Stimpy grabs Ren's feet and helps him sit up}
Stimpy: I better perform some more tests! {He holds up a sphygmomanometer} Okay, let's check your blood pressure.
{Ren weakly holds out his arm. Stimpy wraps the cuff tight around Ren's body instead. He pumps air into the cuff, making Ren's head inflate like a balloon. Ren's head grows so large it almost touches the ceiling}
Stimpy: Well, that looks normal.
{Stimpy lets the air out of the cuff. Ren's head deflates, but maintains its large shape and falls down on Stimpy. The scene fades to a shot of Ren lying in bed as a smiling Stimpy stands next to him. Stimpy pulls out a bottle of medicine}
Stimpy: It's time for your medicine, Ren! Now open up!
{Ren sits up and opens his mouth. Stimpy turns around and begins to pour a large amount of medicine onto a spoon, raising his eyebrows knowingly at the audience}
Ren: {struggling to keep his mouth open} Aah! {Stimpy continues to pour medicine} Get on with it, man!
Stimpy: Patience, now! {He stops pouring and throws the bottle away} You must have the correct dosage. {He faces Ren, holding a giant spoon full of medicine} Alrighty! Open wide!
Ren: {opening his mouth as wide as he can} Haah...
{Stimpy shoves the spoon into Ren's mouth. Ren's head distorts to fit the shape of the spoon as Stimpy twists it and pulls it back out. Ren's cheeks swell up from all of the medicine in his mouth and tears flow down his face}
Stimpy: Now swallow every little drop. Isn't it tasty?
Ren: {mouth full, nodding and smiling} Mmm! Mmm-hmm! Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
{Ren manages to swallow the medicine. He immediately springs out of bed wide-eyed and clutching his throat, his mouth open in a silent scream, while a fire truck's siren sound is heard. He recovers and sits up straight}
Ren: Man... {Some medicine drips out of his mouth} That's some icky-tasting stuff! What is that, anyway?
{A close up of the bottle in Stimpy's hand is shown. The label reads "All Purpose Icky-Tasting Medicine." Stimpy throws away the bottle with a smile and it shatters offscreen. The scene fades to a title card that says "4 Months Later..." and then cuts to the bedroom. Stimpy walks through the door pushing a tray of medical equipment}
Stimpy: Okay Ren, time for your daily spleen flensing!
{Stimpy's nose suddenly deflates and he looks repulsed. He sniffs the air to locate a bad smell, then looks at Ren with his hands on his hips. While a fog horn and seagulls are heard, Ren is in bed and has stink lines emanating from him}
Stimpy: {wagging his finger} Why Ren, you haven't washed in weeks! What you need is a nice sponge bath! {He pulls the covers off of Ren and tries to pick him up, but Ren's head is stuck to the pillow} Aw, you're all sticky with filth!
{Stimpy carries both Ren and the pillow into the bathroom while singing like Curly Howard from the Three Stooges. He sits Ren down on a stool and yanks the pillow off his head. He drags the bathtub over, filled with water and bubbles}
Stimpy: Okay now, take off your fur.
Ren: {angrily shaking his finger} Ooohhh no! Forget that stuff!
Stimpy: Come on, don't be stubborn! {Ren hugs his knees to his chest, refusing to comply} Now Ren, are you going to take off your fur, or do I have to?
{Stimpy reaches out to grab Ren. Ren cowers, then pushes Stimpy's hands away}
Ren: BACK OFF, MAN! {Weakly, trembling all over} Just you... back off! I can do it...
{Stimpy waits, drumming his fingers on his arm. Ren reaches up to the top of his head and unzips his fur}
Stimpy: That's a good boy! Was that so bad?
{Stimpy drapes Ren's fur on the towel rack. Ren sits naked in the bathtub, hiding under the water in embarrassment}
Stimpy: Now, isn't that nice?
{Stimpy lifts Ren up by one of the hairs on his head and uses a sponge to wring water on him. He scrubs Ren's arm with the sponge before dropping him back into the water. He picks Ren up again and gently scrubs his back. Ren relaxes}
Ren: {smiling} You know, Stimpy? This is not so bad. In fact, I feel better already. You're so good to me. But it is kind of embarrassing. {He giggles} Hee!
Stimpy: Oh, pshaw! No one will ever see you!
{The camera pans over to the window. Unbeknownst to Ren and Stimpy, they are being watched by Mr. Horse, a woman, a boy and a man. The four of them wear expressions of shock or intrigue and the woman gasps. The scene fades to a shot of Ren in bed smiling with a thermometer in his mouth. Stimpy walks up holding a tray with breakfast and a newspaper}
Stimpy: My, you're looking chipper this morning! {He sets the tray down on Ren's lap} Look, I brought you your breakfast in bed!
Ren: {touched} I don't deserve you. {He picks up the coffee cup} Mmm, my coffee.
Stimpy: {taking the cup} Ah ah ah! {He takes the thermometer out of Ren's mouth and uses it to stir the coffee before handing the cup back to him} I brought you your paper too! I know how you like to read your paper at breakfast. {He holds up the newspaper and gives it to Ren}
Ren: God bless you, Stimpy. I'm sorry I'm all the time mean to you.
{Ren takes a sip of coffee and starts reading the paper. He suddenly leaps up screaming and spitting out coffee, his eyes bugged out in shock at what he sees on the front page}
Ren: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!!
{A close up of the newspaper is shown. The headline reads "REN HOEK TAKES BUBBLY SPONGE BATH!! HUNDREDS WITNESS SOAPY SCENARIO!". Next to it is a picture of Ren in the tub while Stimpy scrubs his back}
Narrator: Ren Hoek takes... bubbly sponge bath?
{Ren falls over backwards in shock}
Stimpy: Oh no, a total relapse!
{A calendar is shown with its pages rapidly tearing off, showing the passage of time. Stimpy sits at Ren's bedside looking worried as Ren shivers under the covers. Night approaches and Stimpy falls asleep in the chair, but jerks himself awake. It fades to a shot of the kitchen, where Stimpy sits holding a bundled-up Ren on his lap and feeding him a bottle of milk. Another bottle boils on the stove. Ren coughs weakly. A panned shot is shown of a laboratory where of Stimpy takes notes on a clipboard of some experiments. That transitions to a shot of Ren hooked up to a monitor and breathing through an oxygen mask as Stimpy takes his pulse. Stimpy is shown holding a surgical mask away from his face and wiping away sweat as the monitor beeps in the background. It transitions to a shot of Ren lying in an incubator looking worse for wear as Stimpy stares at him in concern. The scene fades to a shot of Stimpy drinking coffee surrounded by several empty cups, shaking and looking exhausted. Stimpy is then shown with bags under his eyes and sweating profusely as images of hospital equipment and a sickly-looking Ren spin around him. Stimpy clutches his head, gradually having a mental breakdown}
Stimpy: AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!
{The scene fades to a shot of Ren lying in bed in partial darkness. Sunlight streams in from the left, brightening the room. Ren's eye slowly opens, yellow in sickness, but then snaps open completely back to its original color. Ren sits up looking healthy again}
Ren: Why, I'm... I'm better! {He flexes his arms} I feel like a million bucks! {He cackles happily} Stimpy, look! You did it! You cured me! Stimpy?
{The camera pans over to the right where Stimpy is. He looks pale and sickly, experiencing the same spots on his face and green tongue that Ren had}
Ren: {worried} Stimpy! Oh my gosh! What's wrong, man? Why, you're sick... {He contemplates this, then perks up} You're SICK! {He rubs his hands together, grinning evilly} Don't worry! I'll save you! {He drools excitedly} Now it's MY turn!
{Ren dashes offscreen and returns dressed in a white nurse's hat and dress. He salutes}
Ren: Nurse Ren to the rescue!
{Ren cackles evilly. Stimpy turns to the audience with a worried expression and gulps nervously. The screen irises out on his face}