Episode: In The Army
[The episode begins at the U.S. Army Induction Center. Pan across several pairs of men's legs, with Ren and Stimpy shivering in the middle. Snap back to Ren and Stimpy, who are frightened when the camera stops on them, and hug each other. Then it cuts to Ren sitting on a stool inside a small cubical doctors office he looks at an eye chart.]
Ren: [Reading eye chart.] This... will.. hurt.. you. [gulps, then a Large vaccinator gun, "Mega Shot", comes into frame held by a doctor's hand. The doctor's hand grabs Ren's arm.] Hey! [Ren struggles and a clamping sound is heard as Ren is vaccinated.] Uhhhh.... [Ren faints.]
[Cut to Stimpy. Ren walks up to Stimpy holding his hurt arm.]
Ren: Stimpy, look what they did to my arm! [Closeup of Ren's arm with a large pulsating, bandaged welt.]
Stimpy: Yeah, I got shots too! [Stimpy sticks his tongue which also has a large pulsating, bandaged welt.]
[Cut to Ren and Stimpy now sitting in chairs in a military barber. There are pictures of Elvis with hair and with shaved hair taped on the mirror. An electric razor and is applied roughly to their heads with grinding sound. Cut to Uniform Pick-up, Ren and Stimpy come up and grab army clothes. Ren and Stimpy are now in uniform and puts helmets on.]
Ren: You know, Stimpy, this army business ain't so bad. I think we found our niche. [Stimpy nods "Yes".] [Ren scratches his back and Stimpy picks his nose.]
Drill Sergeant: ATTEEEEHUT!!! [pants]
Ren: What did he say?
Drill Sergeant: ATTEEEEETWOOO!!! [Ren glances at Stimpy]
Ren: Excuse me, could you-
Drill Sergeant: Keep bow... HAICE! [Stimpy turns around] AWARRRRDHAR! [Stimpy marches like a soldier and Ren turns around and runs to Stimpy.] Hut, two, three, FOUR! Hut, two, three, FOUR! Hut, two, three, FOUR! KE BOW... PEACE! [Stimpy turns around] AWARD... TURN! [Stimpy marches again and Ren runs to keep up] Hut, two, three, HOW! WHO! COMPANY... HALT! [Stimpy salutes and Ren stops at him and salutes] FREEMAN... COW!!! [The Drill Sergeant grabs Ren with his tongue.] CAN'T YOU FOLLOW ORDERS?!? [Drill Sergeant's tongue throws Ren to the ground.] Alright, you insects. Give me... TWENTY! [Stimpy salutes and does 20 push-ups.]
Ren: As a rule, I don't like to lend money. Yeah, but you got an honest face. [Ren holds up a twenty dollar bill. Drill Sergeant crushes Ren's hand and the twenty falls into the Drill Sergeant's palm. He gets angry and the money bursts into flame. Cut to Kitchen at the mess hall. Ren and Stimpy are peeling a bunch of potatoes.]
Stimpy: Hey Ren, I think the sarge likes you best, 'cause he gave you the most potatoes to peel! [Stimpy is peeling his nose. Ren looks at the viewers. Cut to Teargas Room.]
Announcer [on the Megaphone]: Recruits Ren and Stimpy report for teargas training, duhhh.
Ren: Teargas Room? [Ren and Stimpy smell the gas and are both disgusted.] Pee-yew! I'll tell you, man. There's nothing to get me in there. [Stimpy shakes his head. Ren and Stimpy walk to the right and stop at the Drill Sergeant who is sitting on a cannon. The Drill Sergeant slowly raises his arm and points to left. Ren and Stimpy smile and go back to the left. Now Ren and Stimpy are wearing gas masks and enter the Teargas Room. Inside the tear gas room, Ren and Stimpy are surrounded by stinky cheese.]
Drill Sergeant [on the megaphone]: REMOVE... MASK! [Ren and Stimpy remove their masks. Stimpy sniffs and turns green, then he starts sobbing. He cries frantically. Stimpy screams loudly and runs around. Stimpy then bawls and dashes away crying. Ren calmly walks outside. Cuts to outside, Stimpy was crying.]
Stimpy: HEY! How come you're not crying? [sobs]
Ren: [breathes out] I cheated! I held my breath! Boy, Stimpy, you're such a knucklehead. Listen ya moron. I'm smart. You're steupid. I know how to get around it big, dopey sarge. Hey, stick with me, kid. I know where I'm going in life. [Ren turns around and gets his face in the cannon of a tank. The Drill Sergeant is in the tank.]
Drill Sergeant: He-BOW... [points to the left] FLOOB! [Ren and Stimpy go back in the Teargas Room. Cut to Ren and Stimpy peeling watermelons.]
Stimpy: Happy happy happy, peel peel peel! [Ren and Stimpy are each carrying a heavy backpack. Ren falls down in the mud. Ren tries to get up with his heavy bag twice but he can't.]
Ren: [yells, echoing] STIMPYYYY!!!!!!! [Cut to Stimpy walking with two backpacks and Ren on his back, too.]
Stimpy: Phew.
Ren: Alright, rest period's over. Let's get a move on. Did you hear me? I said, let's get going! You don't want to anger that big dopey sarrrrr- [Ren saws Drill Sergeant as mud creature. Ren's skin was melting and Ren's skeleton was screaming and also brain popped out, Cuts to Ren was holding two heavy bags and even Drill Sergeant.] Must... please... pain... faster! [pants] [Ren and Stimpy was so tired and they both stay in bed.] Oh man, my toes are killing me! [Ren and Stimpy put his shoes off and got stinky feet and toes too.] Boy, it sure feels good to get those boots off. [wiggle his toes]
Stimpy: You set it. Goodnight, Ren.
Ren: Goodnight, Stimpy. And now, all I need... is 8 hours... of uninterrupted.. sleeeeep. [Ren close his eyes and go to sleep] [A few seconds later, Ren wakes up panicked during morning revelry. Ren goes insane and looks at the bed.] No! No sleep! HEEHEE! No sleep, no bed! [laughs crazily] NO NO NO!! BED BED BED!! [Ren grabs the axe and laughs maniacally. Ren breaks the bed with an axe. He pants and lick his lips.]
Drill Sergeant: ATTEN!!.... HOO!!! [growls to anger, Ren looks at the axe and throws it away.] HORWORRRRD.... HOW!!! Hut, two, three, BOW! Hut, two, three, BOW! [Ren and Stimpy was peeling H-BOMB. Ren was sobbing. Cuts to Ren and Stimpy goes outside. Ren was has bloodshot eyes. Ren looks around.]
Ren: Psst. Hey, Guido. It's all so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the cheese, and you're the lemon merchant. You get it? And he knows it! That's why HE's gonna kill us! So we gotta beat it. Yeah. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you! [Ren and Stimpy dashs away and slids to a halt in front of the Drill Sergeant.]
Drill Sergeant: [growls] [Drill Sergeant was about to squish Ren's arm and waves his Ren's hand proudly] CONGRABULATIONS! You graduated! You're full-fledged tank paratroopers. [Ren and Stimpy scream excitedly. Cuts to Ren and Stimpy in a cockpit.]
Ren: Stimpy, I can't believe it! We made it! Not only do we have these cool uniforms and the swell tank, we're also proud members of an elite fighting force!
Ren and Stimpy: [Ren and Stimpy salute while singing.]
[singing] Oh, beautiful for spacious skies,
[An airplane is flying through flak.]
for amber waves of grain,
[A hatch opens under the plane and a tank falls out.]
for purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain!
[Two tanks are falling, each in flames and with a too-small parachute.]
America! America! God shed His grace on thee!
[Fades to black.]