Hard Times for Haggis (transcript)

Episode: Hard Times for Haggis

[The episode begins in the city, and then it pans over to Haggis's castle-like mansion.]

Narrator: This is a story about the man, not just any men, but the giant and a massive man. His home, a monument to his greatness. And enormous brawling testimony to his countless achievements. Big, isn't it? Surrounded by the massive splinter as a tend. He sits alone, waiting. See how he waits. Waiting to suck of the wine of its' toils. Shhh, listen. [Haggis was waiting. Haggis look at the clock and starts to wait. His Scottie dog Whacky is nervously sweating. The clock suddenly rings loudly like a fire alarm. Haggis gets so excited as Whacky runs off in fear. Haggis turns on the TV.]

Announcer: And now... Boys and girls, it's time for The Scotsman! Starring... Haggis MacHaggis!

Haggis: That's me.

Announcer: Created by Haggis MacHaggis.

Haggis: [nodding] Me, me!

Announcer: Written, Directed, Produced ,Arranged and Composed by... Haggis MacHaggis!

Haggis: [pounding his chest] That's me! Me! ME!!!

Salesman: And here's Haggis in this week's episode... The Scotsman Beats His Dog! [Haggis bonks his dog Whacky on TV. The audience was cheering and the certain closes. Haggis laughs.]

Haggis: WHACK! [whacks his lamp]

Salesman: And now, some scenes for next week episode, The Scotsman beats his lawyer! [Haggis was bonking his dog wearing a fedora hat and holding a briefcase on TV. Haggis laughs really hard. His butler Marvin looks at Haggis.]

Haggis: I'm such a card! [laughs]

Marvin: Duhh, I'm ready to serve your tea now, Mr. Haggis.

Haggis: WHO'S THE FUNNIEST CARTOON ON TV, HUH?!?

Marvin: Duhhhhh, Rodney and Boowinky! [Haggis gives a shocked look, growls and prepares to beat up Marvin...]

Salesman: We interrupt this program to inform you, The Scotsman Show is hereby cancelled FOREVER! [The Ren and Stimpy Show intro is now on TV] We now bring you, The All-new... Ren & Stimpy Show!

Haggis: WHAT?!? [growls, watches the show's intro for a few seconds and changes the channel]

News Reporter: Tonight, we exploring the phenomenon of Ren and Sti- [Haggis change the channel to Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy.]

Announcer: Okay, space fans, It's Commander Hoek and Cadet Sti- [Haggis change the channel to Stimpy with shaving cream on his tongue.]

Stimpy: You know folks, nothing beats the closeness of new raspberry flavored Foam-Ex shave cream...

Haggis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Lies! Deceit! BLASPHEMY!!! It cannot be true! YOU DUSTY CROOKS!! TASTE THE WRATH OF THE MAGIC SHILLELAGH!!! [Haggis destroys the TV with his club and it blows up. Haggis pants.] I'm not stand from it, I tell ya! They'll RUE the day they crossed Haggis MacHaggis, THE KING OF CARTOONS!!! [laughs] You can run, but you can't hide! I'm coming for ya! [Salesman opens the door and slams Haggis.]

Salesman: Welcome to your new home, boys! [Ren and Stimpy are arrive the new home.] I'm sure you boys will enjoy it here. Especially of the foul stench of that filthy little SHEEP HERDER who lived here when it's gone.

Haggis: WHY YOU NUFFIN' CROOK! YOU'RE RAT-FACED NINNY, I'LL RIP YOUR BISCUIT OUT!!! GET BACK HERE, I'LL TELL YA! GET BACK HERE! I KILL IT OFF! I KILL YA-

Stimpy: Hey Ren, he reminds me of you. [Ren was angry and he punches Stimpy on the throat.]

Salesman: What? You're still here?

Haggis: [growls] WHY YOU- [Salesman covers Haggis' mouth.]

Salesman: [giggles] Just a little leftover house cleaning. Come here, you.

Haggis: Unhand me, ya hairy back bull-weasel! I'll tear your eyes out! I ripped your freakin' HALALALAL!!

Salesman: Yes, excuse me, Mr. Haggis, but we need you to be comfortable say uhh... OUT IN THE STREET!!! [Salesman throws the Haggis MacHaggis out into the street]

Haggis: YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH! [knocks hardly] I'm a highly-paid television celebrity! You won't stand from it! Ohhh, don't make me cry! I'll punch on your hand, you know I'll tell bank robbers! I'll... I'll... I'LL RIP YOUR FACES OFF!!! [sobs] Now you guttin' done it! You make me CRY-Y-Y!! [bawling, crying, sighs] Nay... Get a hold of yourself, Haggis! How do you not a MAN!? Are you not wearing a dress? I've got to think of a solution! [happy] I'VE GOT IT! A trillions of a royalist fans will come to my rescue! I'll wander into and scoop off a whole bunch of them! YOU'LL NOT BE HERE IN THE LAST OF ME! I SHALL RETURN! [dashs offscreen, fades to the street] There no good filthy welshmen, not even for luck. I'll stop 'em. [gibberish] I'll show them making me hand. [All the people are laughing because The Ren & Stimpy Show was so funny.]

Men: LOOK AT THAT! [The people laughs] OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME!

Haggis: [gasps] Me royal fans! They're watching me show! [Haggis was shocked by The Ren and Stimpy Show. All of TV was on The Ren & Stimpy Show.] STOP! They're crooks, I tell ya! HEY, DON'T LOOK AT THAT! STOP! NOOOO!! [Haggis look at the viewers, Haggis slide down. The peoples grab Haggis.]

All the Peoples: [in unison with a slight musical rhythm] Beat it, shrimp, you're blocking our views

[All the Peoples kicks Haggis out. The Bus sign says "Read Ren and Stimpy The Novel" stops. Haggis was about to pull off and all the people are running by Haggis. The bus drives off. Haggis gasps. Ren and Stimpy Movie in 3-D is now in the movie theater. Haggis looked shockingly at a billboard with Stimpy advertising Gritty Kitty. Haggis looked up in the sky. The clouds has shaped by Ren and Stimpy. Haggis screams from anger.]

Boy: Hey Mister, Look what I've got! [Boy got Ren and Stimpy underwear]

Haggis: Oh yeah? I'll show you what we do with PANTSIES! [Haggis gives the underwear and rips off]

Boy: HEY DAD, HELP!!!

Fire Chief: SO, A circus midget, EH!? I'm looking forward to THIS for a long time! [Fire Chief whacks the Haggis offscreen] Take this, and THIS! AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?!? YOU WANT SOME OF THESE!? [laughs] OH, AND HERE'S YOUR CHANGE! [laughs]

[Fades to the park, Haggis was walking of sadness. Haggis' stomach growls, Haggis groans ]

Haggis: Oh, me belly... i haven't eaten in weeks.  

[Haggis notices an old lady feeding the pigeons. Haggis drools happily at the sight of food. The pigeons are enjoying the birdseed, along with Haggis, who appears to be just the pigeons' size and shape.] 

Pigeon: AHE-HEM! [Haggis looks at the lead pigeon, smiles and stands up as the other pigeons get ready to beat him up as sleazy gangster music plays] Come on, let's have it. Cough it up. [Another pigeon forces Haggis to spit the birdseed out.] That's better. [Haggis tries to nonchalantly walk away, but the lead pigeon grabs him and pulls him back. Pigeons are punching Haggis offscreen and so Old Lady onscreen.]

Old Lady: Let Me in there, I want some! [Old Lady smacks her purse at Haggis. Fades to the castle, Stimpy is playing with. Ren is reading a book with "CENSORED" on the cover while wearing a smoking jacket, fez and spectacles.]

Ren: You know Stimpy, this is a good life. A warm snifter of Root beer, a nice big comfy chair, and my favorite book of Chalsor.

Stimpy: Yeah Ren, it's great! PARRY! EN GARDE! THRUST! [laughs] TOUCHE! CABANEE! ABONDUNZAH! [Stimpy's sword rips the butler Marvin's clothes off. Marvin looks at the viewers sadly. Stimpy's sword rips Ren's book.] FATIMIYAH! [Fades to the dinner.]

Ren: Stimpy hon, be a good lad and pass the salt.

Stimpy: Duhh, okay Ren. [Ren was waiting and growls]

Ren: Hurry up, man! [Stimpy was walking it on the table with his chicken on his leg.]

Stimpy: Duhhh, here's the salt, Ren!

Ren: It's about time, Dimwit. [Stimpy accidentally spills a lot of salt on his chicken. Ren notices this and slaps Stimpy.] YOU FAT BLOATED EEDIOT! [slaps Stimpy] YOU WORM!! [slaps Stimpy] YOU STEUPID DOG! [slaps Stimpy] YOU FAT, THROWBACK!

[Fades to the evening, where it's raining and thundering outside. Haggis stands in front of an antique store, looking at a Scotsman Doll being sold for free. Haggis then sees a mysterious Stranger in a trenchcoat and fedora hat walk into the store. The Stranger gives a large wad money to the shopkeeper and points to the Scotsman Doll. The shopkeeper gets the Doll for him, to Haggis's delight. The Stranger looks around and zips out of the store.]

Haggis: HERE! HOLD ON, LAD!

[The Stranger goes into a dark alleyway with the Scotsman doll. Haggis follows the Stranger into the alley and hides behind some trash cans, and watches as the Stranger rips off his disguise to reveal the dog Whacky! A random praying mantis appears on Whacky's shoulder.]

Haggis: Whacky! Me favorite ol' doggy boy. [tears up joyfully]

[In a flashback, Haggis whacks the dog. Back in reality, Whacky looks at Scotsman doll and reminisces, but then gets a crazed look! Whacky rips the Scotsman doll to pieces and stomps on the ground in a rage, and laughs maniacally. Haggis gets scared. Whacky glares and snarls at Haggis, who away.]

Haggis: NOOOOOO!!! [he stops in the middle of the street and pants, and just misses getting hit by a car, splashing a puddle of rainwater Haggis]

Muddy Mudskipper: [driving the car] WHY DONCHA LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA LOUSY BUM!!

[Haggis walks in sadness. The scene changes to a large bridge, Haggis is looking at the river as a menacing guitar chord is heard.]

Haggis: That's it.. that's all. I'll just END it all! [laughs maniacally] But... me shoes. [takes them off and holds him up] I'll be missing ya, ya little toe tootsies. [kisses his shoes and puts them back on]

[Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows, sending quite a few things flying, even a cow! A newspaper flies into Haggis's face, and Haggis notices it reading "Got Problems? Call RENT-A-THUG" and the picture of a giant muscular thug about to beat up an IRS man. And the bottom line says "For that dirty job you need done fast... and below that is "...CHEAP!!!". Haggis gets really excited]

Haggis: HA! I'LL HAVE ME REVENGE AT LAST!! [laughs] They'll be sorry. [runs offscreen]

[The scene changes to the Rent-A-Thug business. Haggis looks at the different thugs available, and chooses a Two-For-One deal on two large muscular guys. After that, we see Haggis driving the thugs with a lot of weapons in a convertible. Haggis laughs.]

Haggis: It's use is about to cry, you weasely rat biters! [laughs]

[Fades to Big Time Studios. Ren and Stimpy walk inside to their adoring fans.]

Little Girl: [holding an autograph book] Oh Mr. Stimpy, can I give my autograph?

Stimpy: [in a Curly-esque tone] Certainly. [Stimpy inhales and barfs a hairball into the autograph book and closes it, handing it to the Little Girl.]

Little Girl: Oh boy! Thanks, Mr. Stimpy.

[The Scotman's car stops in front of the Big Time Studios, smashing another car in front. Haggis and the thugs enter, and sneak to the backstage area. Haggis looks at the crew members, and gives a look at Ren and Stimpy's dressing room door maniacally. Two female stylists are shampooing Ren and combing Stimpy's hairs. The thugs grab the women and whisk them away.]

Ren: Well, hurry up! I'm getting shampoo in my eyes. [The thugs poorly disguise themselves as the stylists and one starts pulling hard on Ren's scalp as the other sloppily applies lipstick on Stimpy's lips. Ren slaps the thug's head] HEY SISTER! EASY WITH THAT... [weakly] Huh?

[The thugs tower over Ren and Stimpy. It cuts to outside the dressing room as we hear the ensuing scuffle. The scene changes to the crew members bound and gagged, with Ren and Stimpy wrapped to a boom pole in duct tape.]

Haggis: [laughs] Now I'll show you some REAL entertainment. [into the mic] And now, Laddies and gentlewomens! It's time for The Ben and Stumpy Show! [The show begins, with Ben and Stumpy as crude sock puppet imitations of Ren and Stimpy, operated by the two thugs.]

Ben: [reciting] You i-di-iot, I will hurt you.

Stumpy: Duhhhh... [Stumpy barfs out a "hairball."]

Ben: [pop out eyes] ARRGH! You are fat!

Haggis: Now that's acting! [Ben slams a hammer on Stumpy, and Haggis laughs] You're finished! FINIIIISHED!!!

[The audience cheers wildly as the curtains close. Haggis comes up to the thugs and their puppets.]

Salesman: WOW!! YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC! [hands the following to them...] Here's a contract! Here's a million bucks! HERE'S AN EMMY!!! [Haggis laughs even more and nods "Yes" to Ren and Stimpy, but the Salesman notices him.] HUH!? What are you doing here? I fired your butt! Now BEAT IT, ya losers! [Salesman kicks Haggis, Ren and Stimpy out of the Big Time Studios. A limo splashes mud at Haggis, Ren and Stimpy.]

Haggis and Ren): WHAT THE... 

[Two beautiful ladies, Ben and Stimpy are inside the limo with their money and Emmy award. The limo drives off. Then we dissolve to Haggis, Ren and Stimpy sitting on a dock. Ren and Stimpy was eating cans and glass bottles. Haggis sobs. Haggis whacks Ren and Stimpy]

Haggis: Don't make me cry! [cries]

[It irises out on Haggis.]