Episode: Eat My Cookies
[The episode begins in Barrette Beret Girls Camp.]
Stimpy: My dream has finally come true! Boot camp!
Ren: Say, now this isn't bad. A dry cot and all the creamed chip beef we can eat. Stimpy, this is the good life. [He and Stimpy looks at Barrette Beret Girl Scouts.]
Scout Leader: We-he-hell, looky here, ladies. We got us a couple of new recruits.
Stimpy: [salutes] Cadet Stimpson J. Cat, reporting for duty, sir!
Ren: Okay, okay, cut the crap. When do we have chow? I'm starved.
Scout Leader: Looks like we got us a couple of live ones here. [smiles] Yup, we's gonna get real close and buddy like. [She gives R & S a big bear hug] Just like one big happy family. But first, you gotta pass a few tests.
Ren: [scared, trembling] Tests?
Scout Leader: Ya gotta earn some BADGES!
Stimpy: Badges!
Scout Leader: Lots of MERIT BADGES! Then maybe... JUST MAYBE... you'll be one of us. [Ren faints] So, you think you ladies got the gall to earn your first badge? Are you tough enough to sell... Barrette Beret Girl Cookies?!
Stimpy: Oh, Ren, it's beautiful! Every spring, Barrette Beret Girls worldwide at storefronts and parking lots to sell their buddy charges.
Scout Leader: And as a reward, you get... TILL MIDNIGHT TO SELL ALL THEM COOKIES OR PAY THE PENALTIES! [She walks away]
Stimpy: Oh boy, Ren! [Ren slaps Stimpy, Fades to the desert. They are standing behind a cookie stand in Barrette Beret Girl Scout uniforms with a giant pyramid of Barrette Beret Girl Cookie boxes behind them.]
Ren: (groans) Why do the new girls always gets the worst territory? We'll never sell any cookies way out here. [Fades to later. A lizard crawls back. Spiders web. The flies are going through Stimpy's face. Ren sighs, he taps his finger. Stimpy's stomach rings, bites itself and growls.]
Stimpy: Ren, I'm hungry! I've gotta have some food!
Ren: Here, eat some of your stinky ol' cookies.
Stimpy: Oh no, Ren! A Barrette Beret Girl must never taste her own cookies. [Ren looks at the cookie box and frowns.] I, Stimpson J. Cat, promise that- [Ren shoves the cookie box in Stimpy's mouth. Stimpy tastes the cookies so good. Later, Ren and Stimpy are stuffed and sleeping at the corner. They both ate all the Barrette Beret Girl cookies. They wake up and look at a limousine driving by and scream excitedly. The car, which is no taller than a baby, stops in front of them. Suddenly a full-sized fat guy's head peeks out the window.]
Fat Guy: Cookies, huh? [Ren and Stimpy nods "Yes".] Okay, give me a box. Here's $5.
Stimpy: No! Wait, Ren! Remember we ate all the cook-
Ren: Shut up. [giggles nervously] What are we going to do? We can't sell empty boxes. This is your fault! You... STUPID FAT SOW! (grabs cactus) Here, pig boy! Gnaw on THIS!
Stimpy: Wait, Ren, we can fill the boxes with cactuses.
[The Fat Guy tastes the cactus. Ren and Stimpy sweat. The Fat Guy tastes it good.]
Fat Guy: They're delicious. I'll take all you got. [Stimpy dumps all the cactus on the Fat Guy's car with garbage truck.] Thanks a lot! [drives off, Ren and Stimpy wave goodbye at the Fat Guy.]
Ren: Yeah, yeah. Goodbye. Man, who had ever thought that being a woman could be so profitable. [Fades to the tent. Ren is playing poker with two of the Scouts.] Okay, try and beat THIS! 4 cowboys! Read 'em and weep.
Girl Scout: Oh darn. All I got is 4 aces!
Girl Scout #2: Aww shoot. Me too. [Ren sadly looks at the cards in his hands. He gives all $50 to the Girl Scout.]
Stimpy: Did you have fun playing with the other girls?
Ren: Yeah sure. I had fish loads of fun-being swindled out of all our cookie money! [Ren's eyes fill with tears] Gone. All gone. [sighs]
Stimpy: [got the idea] I know, Ren! We can have lots of fun earning Merit Badges.
Ren: [grabs the book] Give me that stupid book!
Scout Leader: [chilling in her bunk] He's right, you know. And I know the funnest badge of 'em all. But it ain't gonna be easy. [flipping a coin] It's a rare Barrette Cadet ducking on this badge. You must go alone. Into the woods. It's... the SNIPE hunting badge.
Stimpy:(awestruck) Golly! Snipe hunting.
Ren: Snap out of it, man! [slaps Stimpy] Don't you see with there game is, ya BIG dope?! There's no such thing as Snipes. It's a practical joke!
Scout Leader: It's okay. We'll go hunting without ya. Heh, it's a pity though. It's an awful, pretty badge.
Ren: Boy, you must think we're REALLY stupid. A guy had to be brain dead to fall for that old chestnut.
Stimpy: I WANT THAT SNIPE BADGE! I WANT THAT SNIPE BADGE! Hey, wait up! [Fat Girl Scout giggles, Fades to the camp. Cuts to Ren packing his things. Ren heads to the closed door]
Ren: Just as I thought, no Stimpy. Badges. Snipes. PHOOEY! I've had it! Big bad doggone. Barrette Berets. BAH! Cookies shmookies. [Stimpy opens the door, flattening Ren.]
Stimpy: HEY REN! I caught one, I caught one! Ren?
Ren: What are you talking about? What did you catch?
Stimpy: Why, a snipe, of course.
Ren: Ehh, there's no such thing. They made it up. [A monster snipe roars and grabs Ren. The monster attacks him inside the bag. The iris closes completely and opens back up to reveal Stimpy getting a Snipe Badge.]
Girl Scout: Hey, way to go! (pushes Stimpy)
Girl Scout #2: (knocks Stimpy's head repeatedly) I knew you can do it, knucklehead.
Girl Scout: Yeah, a job well done.
[Ren looks at Stimpy and sniffs. Ren stops at the Scout Leader's voice. He hears it coming from a rock.]
Scout Leader: Psst. Down here. I got something for ya. It's the special Barrette Beret handbook.
Ren: "How to Earn.. Extra Easy.. Merit Badges". Hey. This is my ticket to easy street. [In a deleted scene, Fades to X marks a spot.]
Stimpy: Okay Ren, see this X? It says, "We're supposed to stand here." [Ren stands on the X.]
Ren: That was easy. Now what?
Stimpy: Well, now we're supposed to take one step forward.
Ren: Hey Stimpy, what badge are we earning anyway?
Stimpy: Flying! [Ren and Stimpy are falling down] Hey look, Ren! We're open for another badge! The falling and jagging rocks badge. [Ren screams, Ren and Stimpy bumps the rock. [Girl Scout earns "Falling off Rocks" Badge to Ren. Fades to Ren searches a book with Stimpy.]
Ren: Hmm, let's see. There's Drowning. [The waves are flowing Ren and Stimpy on the island. The crabs climb through Ren and Stimpy.] Collecting Badger Eggs. [Stimpy lifts Ren up a tree. Ren picks the Badger's nest. Badger bites Ren's hand, Ren screams in pain.]
Badger: So, you want my eggs, eh? Well, be my guest! [Badger throws the eggs. Ren and Stimpy running.]
Ren: And finally, The Bravery in the Face of Certain Doom Badge. [Ren appears out of a full cooler of food.] Ta-da. [Ren looks at 4 hideous fez-wearing bears and a banner that says: Welcome Elk Bears!. Ren has invaded their lodge meeting! Cut to Stimpy at the Elk Bear Lodge entrance, reacting to the offscreen sounds of the bears attacking Ren. Fade to Stimpy awarding the badge to Ren, now chewed up and arm in a sling, followed by them saluting each other in victory. Fade to Ren, Stimpy and the Girl Scouts.]
Scout Leader: So, you earned all the badges in the book? Heh. Now, you earned the right to learn all the Barrette Beret Girl secrets. [The Scout Leader unzips her skin to reveal herself as an old man. The other two Girl Scouts also unzip their skins to reveal themselves as old men. Ren gawks at this revelation speechlessly. Stimpy smiles at Ren. He unzips his skin and reveal himself as an old man. The other men stare at Ren.]
Ren: Oh well. When in Rome. [Ren unzips his skin revealing himself to be... a skeleton with intestines. The men and the skeleton laugh. Iris out. The End.]