Episode: City Hicks
City Hicks

[The episode begins in the desert.]

Ren: It's been one heck of a year, Stimpy. Scorching heat, locusts, blight, pestilence, not to mention the manure payment. Yep, the Lord has surely smiled upon us this year. Yeah, this here dust is just about ripe for the reaping. By this time tomorrow, we'll have us a bumper dust crop. Ready for the harvest. Come on, Stimpy. Let's go home. It's dinner time. [Ren and Stimpy runs off and fades the house]

Stimpy: [offscreen] Ren! Dinner's ready!

Ren: OH BOY! I'm starved! [runs to the table]

Stimpy: I cooked one of your favorites... Roast "dirtkey" with gravel sauce. And for desert, a big plate of hot dust puppies.

Ren: MMM-mmm! Man, look at that!

[Ren was eating the food and Ren and Stimpy was stuffed.]

Ren: Stimpy, I'm bloated. I think I'll hit the sack.

Stimpy: Stay here, but we gotta say our prayers, Ren.

Ren: Dear lord, we thank thee for this blessed drought with thou hath beset upon us. And let no seed find purchase in this forsaken land which we had stolen from the Indians.

Ren and Stimpy: Amen.

Stimpy: Duh yeah, and bless old Saint Dusty Claus so he will give us nice dirt clogs in our stockings on Dustmas Eve. Amen.

Ren: Good night, Stimpy.

Stimpy: Good night, Ren. [lights turns off, wind picks up and rain starts. Raindrop drips at Ren. Ren starts panicking.]


Stimpy: Wha?

Ren: WE'VE GOTTA GO SAVE THE CROPS! I'll go check the damage! You go get the dustmites!

[Ren runs outside and stops at the crops. Grass starts growing.]


Stimpy: Okay fellas, it's dust hunting time. MUSH!

[Stimpy runs with a leashes of 4 termites.]

Ren: GET BACK! [hits the shovel at the grass] BACK I TELL YOU, BACK! BE GONE, GREEN LEAFY DEVILS!! [hits the shovel at the grass, grass are still growing and he pants] It's no use! The rain's making everything fertile! [tears up, sobbing, grass was growing at Ren] My dust. WHY does this happen to us?!? The crops are ruined! [Tomato is appeared on the grass] It isn't fair. We've been good. What have we done to incur your wrath ,O Lord?! WHY... DON'T... YOU... ANSWER... MEEEEEE???!!! [ lightning strikes at Ren, Stimpy enters with umbrella.]

Stimpy: The dust mates drown, Ren. What do we gonna do now?

[Fades in the morning.]

Ren: There's nothing left for all of us here now, Stimpy. Fruit farm, my lord. Shoot, useless, fruits and vegetables. [sighs] It's time to move onto grayer pastures. [Ren and Stimpy are riding with sheep and go to the city] You know Stimpy, A trick to making in the big city, as to dress like cityfolk. [Ren and Stimpy go to Carls' Clothes and Ren and Stimpy was wearing women's clothes]

Stimpy: Wow, Ren! We really blended now.

Ren: [gasps at sight of sheep, now sheared and on cinder blocks)] MY SHEEP! It's been stripped!!

Stimpy: And mine's being towed away.

[Tow truck towing the sheep.]

Sheep: Baaa! Baaa!


Stimpy: (verge of tears) FLOSSY! FLOSSY, COME BACK! FLOSSY, FLOSSY!

Ren: COME BACK, YOU LOWLIFE, SHEEP THIEVIN' TRUCK DRIVER! (three fat angry truck drivers are behind Ren and Stimpy)ALL YOU TRUCK DRIVERS ARE FAT, STUPID- [Ren and Stimpy look up.]  ... Oh fish........eeeyy.[Angry fat drivers fight Ren and Stimpy, Angry fat drivers walk away laughing, leaving Ren and Stimpy's mangled, contorted, bruised bodies on the sidewalk ] Ehhhh, harreerrr.( Ren takes as he sees grime in the gutter) STIMPY! How could I be so blind!? LOOK, It's grime! MILES AND MILES OF IT!

Stimpy: Why it's every bit as filthy as our dust back home.

Ren: And it's all ours for the taking! (with a ball of grime in his hand) And with the Lord is my witness, I promise you before we're finish, WE'RE GONNA OWN THIS TOWN! [laughs maniacally, Stimpy was digging a dust with a shovel] Finally, I'll be able to afford this strap-on otter-skin underwear I saw in that fancy catalog. [Squirrel with cigar, pokes Ren and Ren look at the burly creature with two equally burly looking birds.]

Squirrel: (New York-accent) Hello boys, Can I uhh, switch those guys doing here?

[Ren looks at Stimpy.]

Ren: We're hyperstating ground to take the market.

Squirrel: This is a union town, boys. You Okie just can't walk in the shovel crime. It takes years of pay offs and bribes to become grime collectors. YOU gotta start at the bottom, and for a small service here, We can do that for ya.

Stimpy: Wow, did you hear that, Ren? It's our lucky day. We can be start at the bottom.

Squirrel: Boys, take good care of for uhh, new friends here. [Fade to building under construction, Ren and Stimpy are in the dry cement of two adjoining walls, ala "pillory" position.]

Stimpy: Ren?

Ren: What?

Stimpy: My butt's itchy.

[Fades to Tex-A-Dyne.]

Ren: [narrating] Soon, we found jobs working the night shift at Tex-A-Dyne.

PA [on the speaker]: Technical engineers Ren and Stimpy report to the test kitchen.

Ren: Hey, that's us! Quick, wear the uniform! [Ren and Stimpy put on bug costume. Cut to dark testing room with overscaled kitchen facade] Hey man, it's dark. [The light turns on and Ren and Stimpy looks at two giant pest control men putting their gas masks on.] RUN FOR IT! [Ren and Stimpy scream and attempt to run away. Pest control spray Ren and Stimpy, Fade to immigrants in the ocean in a single-file line to the Statue of Liberty.]

Ren: [narrating] Then we got important government jobs, processing new Americans at Ellis Island. [Ren and Stimpy throw net in the water. Stimpy hoists net loaded with immigrants and drops to the dock. Immigrants in net then proceed to flop like fish. Fade to Customs Office] Next.

Stimpy: Name.

Jones: Duhh, Jones. Chad Jones.

Stimpy: Too confusing. Hmmm, let's see.... [Ren whispers at Stimpy] Your American name wi'll be... "Begayho Bagdasarian". [Jones grabs the paper angrily] Congratulations. [Ren put the A stamp on Jones' head, Fades to Ren and Stimpy eating sandwiches.]

Ren: Well Stimpy, we finally made it. A steady paycheck? Life time security? Jalapeno fries?

Stimpy: And all the goverment cheese we can stomach.

Ren: Okay, break's over. Uncle Sam is waiting. [Ren and Stimpy walks to Employees only door] WHAT? [Jones i writing in the office]

Jones: Name.

Ren: [narrating] We lost our jobs to take over the earth. Double crossed by the unions scabs.

Ren: We ain't cut out of the city life. I guess the odds are just against us for nothing.

Stimpy: Now now, Ren. Look at the bright side. We'll probably die of exposure.

[Stimpy was sobbing and hugs Ren. Ren falls the floor.]

Ren: Goodbye, Stimpy. [pretends to be dead, Stimpy falls the floor]

Stimpy: Goodbye, Ren. [pretends to be dead, Fades the city and goes up to the sky, dust are falling to the sky and drops Ren and Stimpy. Ren looks at the dust is falling]

Ren: Dust Flurries!

Stimpy: [Stimpy will taste the dust] Grade A Filth!

[Dusty Claus was arrived.]

Stimpy: Oh my gosh! It's Dusty Claus! [Ren and Stimpy excited]

Dusty Claus: Gather around, my mangy little street urchins. Behold! [He handed two hands of dust and Ren and Stimpy grabs the dust.]

Ren and Stimpy: HALLELUJAH!

Dusty Claus: Come with me to the dust mines where you shall toil and slave for the rest of your life. [laughs, flying the dust with Ren and Stimpy and goes to manhole, and Dusty Claus, Ren and Stimpy and the friend Dust flies away to the desert, the iris was closing completely. The episode ends, Dusty Claus giggles.]

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