Episode: An Abe Divided
An Abe Divided

[The episode begins at a trash can. Ren and Stimpy throw away junk, Ren and Stimpy screams happily and it has a steak with worms on it. Ren eats a steak. Stimpy smells it and he licks his newspaper, Ren grabs Stimpy's tongue.]

Ren: Hey look! "Wanted: Security Men to guard President. BIG MONEY! [Ren and Stimpy runs out to the trash can and see Sergeant Big Butt. Fade to the courthouse.]

Ren: Uhh, we're here about the job, protecting the president? Mr. Big Butt? Sir?

Sergeant Big Butt: Huh? [growls and puts on girly hair and the hate on and turns to Ren and Stimpy] That's SERGEANT Big Butt. So, you maggots wanna guard the president, huh? You know what that it tells? Do you know what we give you if you disgrace our COUNTRY!? You'll... get... TOWELS!!

Stimpy: TOWELS!? I like towels.

Sergeant Big Butt: Oh, ya like towels huh? Good. ATTENTION! Pleasing that TOWELS! Get.. HUT! People... PAIN! [Towel slaps Ren and Stimpy's butt, Ren and Stimpy was running, cartoon style. Ren and Stimpy got slapped on the butt by towels.]

Stimpy: Gosh, I just love military tradition.

Sergement Big Butt: Alright ladies, This is the president. You will scrub away every single speck of dirt for the president. I will demostrate. [grabs Ren washing on water on big bucket, they squeezing Ren out of the water, washing Ren on President.] Ahh...

Bird: Yeah, I can just in the good one. Right in the eye today. [Three dirty birds are laughing] 

Sergement Big Butt: HEY! [flips Stimpy away from the birds] TAKE THAT! Okay, you weasels. GET TO WORK! And don't screw up.

Ren: Kinda rockin. Every single dirt. PHOOEY! [Stimpy looks at President and comes up.]

Stimpy: And I wanna bike, and a bitsy wetsy soft doll, and a cheesy baked oven, and the puppy the doll, and the chily omlet, and a- [Ren throws the boot at Stimpy.]

Ren: YOU, GET DOWN FROM THERE! That's not Santa Claus! It's a Memorial!

Stimpy: A memorial? [tears off] I didn't know Santa Claus was... DEAD! [bawling, Ren picking Stimpy.]

Ren: You are so steupid.

Stimpy: [sniffs] Am I?

[Ren slaps Stimpy.]

Ren: EEDIOT! Don't you recognize president willer keep the memorial when he see him? Now get back to work!

[Fades the Courthouse, and it's in the morning, Ren comes in, The audience was crowding and sees the Abraham Lincoln.]

Old Man: Yup. It was a great man... and I hear tale.. there's a treasure in his head.

[Ren surprised and he was wondering that the President's head are full of money, Ren was on a car with lots of money bags and even Girls too, and even Money's flag.]

Ren: Closing time! [Ren pushes the audience out] We're closed now. Go home.

Stimpy: Uh, Ren. You must been mistaken. We're supposed to open for another 18 hours.

Ren: [slaps Stimpy] NO! That was yesterday! [pushes Audience out] Goodbye, don't drop it again. [slams the door and thinking] Hmmm, how do I get inside that head?

Ren: Ahhh... [shows Abraham's nose and gets in to see what's inside and groans] It's a big tight, but I think... I think... I think.... I think I'm stuck! [pushing the nose out and he can't because he's stuck] STIMPY, HELP! I'M STUCK!

Stimpy: [Stimpy gets the idea and looks at the sign] "See.. the... President... pick, his nose!" I've got 5 cents. [to Ren] I'll have ya outta there in a jiffy, Ren. [Stimpy takes out 5 cents. He licks the coin and puts it in the 5 cents tray. Abraham Lincoln's statue arm starts to move. He picks Ren in his nose and Ren becomes gum. He stripes Ren under the table. Ren looks at the dirty gum stuffs and even a skeleton too.]

Ren: Okay Stimpy, Begin! [Ren and Stimpy was cutting saw on President's head.]

Stimpy: Uhh, Ren?

Ren: [offscreen] Yes?

Stimpy: Why are we doing this again?

Ren: To find out what's inside the President's head.

Stimpy: Aww heck Ren. I know what's inside the President's head.

Ren: You DO?

Stimpy: The president's head is full of beautiful... glorious... GOLDEN...

Ren: Yes? YES!?

Stimpy: Caramel corn! [smiles]

Ren: [frowns]

Stimpy: [offscreen] HEAVE!

Ren: [offscreen] HO!

Stimpy: [offscreen] HEAVE!

Ren: [offscreen] HO! [sighs] That's it! Now grab the head and whatever you do, don't DRO-

[Stimpy accidentally drops the president's head and crash the statue's head.]

Stimpy: [offscreen] Whoops.

[Stimpy looks at Ren.]

Stimpy: Ohhh, you made the President's head. Boy Ren, are you ever gonna get in tro-

Ren: [slaps Stimpy] SHUT UP! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I'm gonna be rich. Where's that own treasure? Come on. Get outta here, ya treasure you! I know you in here some- HA! [Ren finally found the prize on President's head. Ren screams happily, Stimpy pushes off Ren.]

Stimpy: OH JOY! It's... Caramel Caramel Corny Corn! MY FAVE! [eating a Caramel Corn]

Ren: Caramel Corn? [giggles] Caramel Corn in the president's head. [giggles, laughs, giggles, sighs] WHA?!? [takes a wild take and the President's head are missing.] Stop eating, you fool and help me! Now get out there and glue the head back together, PRONTO!

Stimpy: [offscreen] Okay Ren! All finished! [Ren looks on Santa Claus head on President's body with Stimpy, onscreen] What do ya think? Huh? HUH?

Ren: You nincompoop, that's the wrong president! Do it over!

Stimpy: Okay Ren, whatever you say. [Stimpy slams the hammer at the statue's head. Stimpy glued together again.] And.. THERE! How's that, Ren? [points to Dad's head on President's body.]


[Stimpy slams the hammer and dust statue's head, Stimpy grabs a dust and wind blows at the dust.]

Stimpy: That's it Ren! We broke it too many times!

Ren: Hmmm.. got to find to replace his head. [looks around and saws hot dog and grabs it] Hey Stimpy, try this out for size. [hot dogs are shaped on the President's head.] Why Stimpy, it's... beautiful!

Bird: Okay squirrel, hand over your nuts or I'll MURDERIZE ya! [three dirty birds are laughing, bird sniffing and smells like hot dog and saw a hot dog shaped on President's head] DINNER!!!! [Three dirty birds are eating the hot dogs and statue got no head.]

Ren: Now what are we do?

Stimpy: I KNOW! We would use a penny that has Lincoln's face on it. [Penny drops out]

Ren: No, too small! You can use this! [puts on Elk's head]

Stimpy: No no, Ren! try THIS! [puts on Tiki's head]

Ren: Nah, too ugly. How about... The statue of Liberty's head. [puts on liberty's head] YES! THAT'S IT! That's... that's... terrible! [pushes away the liberty's head]

Stimpy; I got it Ren! We'll use this dumpster.

Ren: Now you started to use your head, and I'll by the face with this chalk. [drawing President's face on the dumpster] There. How is it look?

Stimpy: Uhhh... needs hair.

[Ren has a match and flucks up the fire about goes to dumpster's hole and head goes on fire, Ren and Stimpy was so brave and looks at Fat Guy holding a dumpster and jumps on the ground.]

Fat Guy: Thanks, guys! I was thinking about redecorating anyway. [walked away, Ren has a teeth chattering and sobbing]

Ren: There's only one thing left to do. We have to defect the spirit of all of our state for help in the honor of need.

Stimpy: Don't worry, Ren. I'm sure you'll help us. [Abraham Lincoln as a ghost appears and kicks Ren and Stimpy]

Abraham Lincoln (ghost): Heck yeah, I will! [kicks Ren and Stimpy three times and disappears, fades the Courthouse this morning, Sergeant Big Butt walks and stops by Ren and Stimpy and they both worried.]

Sergeant Big Butt: Do you have anything to say before I KILL YOU?!?

Ren: Umm, let me explain... [points to Stimpy] HE DID IT!

[Sergeant Big Butt grabs a giant fist to Ren and Stimpy and take them away. Fades to Sergeant Big Butt and he opens the door, The audience was crowding.]

Old Man: Yes Johnny, it's checking on every garage, Mom's apple pie, and up the nibbles for everyone. Yep, this is what American's all about.

[Ren and Stimpy are inside the president's head on president's body. The iris are closing completely at the end of the episode.]

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